Manic Monday



 

It's just another manic Monday

 

And that's totally true today.  Dealing with my brain, my body, and the rain, all at the same time is exhausting.  Haven't done a whole lot today.  Have a friend that's come over to hang out for a while. She's currently napping though, lol. Hell, if my brain would shut up I'd probably be napping too.  But I don't really have time for a nap now, cause I've gotta go get the girls in just under an hour.

 

My brain can be so mean. With the Bipolar, I just want to curl up and cry, or sleep, or something. I don't even know really.  It's exhausting to be so down and depressed for NO REASON!  Seriously, bipolar sucks.  I know it's something that I've got to learn to live with.  It's something I've been fighting with most of my life already, and I'm still not used to it.  I'm not sure my meds are really working that great, so I'll be talking to the doc again the next time I see him.  HOPEFULLY we can figure it out, cause I HATE this! I hate it with a PASSION.  Yes, I will be fine.  No, I'm not ok YET, but I will get there.  I know it's possible. Just gotta keep fighting.

 

Fight or flight

 

That's something one of my friends says to me when I'm in this kind of mood.  It reminds me that I have two choices.  One is to fight it - and fight it HARD. And the other is to run away from it - but running away means I'll be running forever cause the moment I stop it will catch up.  It reminds me I'm strong enough to fight it.  I just can't give up, and I can't run away. I have to turn and face it and stare it down.  I am stronger than it is, long as I believe I am.

 

And my body is a pain in the butt with this weather acting up the way it has been.  Gotta love Oklahoma. I swear it is bipolar too, lol.  It can be HOT one day, and then COLD and raining the next.  So freaking moody, haha.  Guess I knew what I signed up for though when I agreed to move up here with my husband so long ago.  Still, I'm not sure I will ever get used to it. 

 

I've been watching random Documentaries on Youtube the last few days. I get into that mood and can watch them all day long. I don't know what it is, if I'm honest.  It's just something that I find interesting I guess. IDK.  I don't ask.  Just watch them anyway, lol.  I've been on a "kidnapping" kick the last few days. Watched a few different ones about kids that were kidnapped.  It probably isn't the best thing for me to be watching though cause I'm already paranoid about my kids and their safety, and that just makes it even worse.  I guess that's not really a bad thing, in the grand scheme of things though - it just makes me watch over them more than normal. Might drive my oldest crazy, lol.  But hey, I'd rather drive her crazy than have something so bad happen to her.

 

I'm 99% sure I'm in a mixed state. I'm almost positive I am. Cause my mind is acting like I'm manic - racing a billion miles an hour, not sleeping that well or that much, not eating that much - but the things that are racing through my mind dark and depressive.  So annoying, cause there's not a damn thing I can do to change it.  And no matter what everyone says or does, it doesn't change. I just need someone to sit with me while I'm down. Not to try to fix me, not to force me to talk about everything, just sit with me.  Just hug me, and tell me it's ok.  And I'm blessed to have a friend who is there for me through this whole thing.  She's the one sleeping on the couch behind me. She's been here for me today while I'm fighting all these crazy thoughts.

 

Anyway, I'm going to get off the computer.  Gonna go find something to do.

LATER TATER
LYNZ