I have - not I am

I have Multiple Sclerosis.  I SUFFER from Multiple Sclerosis.  But Multiple Sclerosis is not who I am.  Yes, it affects my life in a HUGE way.  I can't feel my legs most of the time, and when I can it's usually because they are hurting like crazy.  They go weak, or they tingle, or they are pins and needles.  My eyes don't focus on the same things at the same time.  You can see it in most pictures that I take - my left eye always looking off to the side instead of at the camera.  BUT, that is not who I am. 

 

I have Rapid Cycling Bipolar disorder.  I SUFFER from Rapid Cycling Bipolar disorder.  But rapid cycling bipolar disorder is not who I am.  Yes, it too affects my life in a HUGE way.  My moods will swing, sometimes multiple times a day. I go through the highest of highs, and the lowest/ darkest of lows. Like right now - I am in a very deep low point.  Sometimes it is hard to even get out of bed, let alone ADULT.  Sometimes I get angry at the smallest of things, and cry at the drop of a hat. BUT, that is not who I am.

 

I have PTSD.  I SUFFER from PTSD.  But PTSD is not who I am.  Yes, it affects my life in a HUGE way as well.  I have nightmares (thank goodness my nightmare med seems to have that at bay, at least for now).  I have flashbacks.  I have a hard time some days being close to those around me for some irrational fear that it will happen again.  I have severe anxiety, not just because of that but PTSD definitely doesn't help that.  BUT, PTSD is not who I am.

 

I am a mother.  I am a Wife. I am a friend.  I am a daughter.  I am a learning coach for my daughters, and a gaming buddy for my hubby and friends.  I am a writer, and an artist, and a musician.  I am a HUMAN BEING, not the diseases I suffer from.  Sometimes I lose sight of that.  Sometimes I feel like the diseases take control and there's nothing I can do but hold on for dear life until things stop spinning.  But thanks to the amazing friends and family, I am slowly starting to see that as well.  It's ok to feel down.  It's ok for my moods to swing.  It's ok for me to say NO I can't do that today.  It's ok to admit that I'm overwhelmed. 

 

But the one that I will NEVER do is give up. I will NOT let the diseases win.  I will keep fighting.  I WILL FIND THE LIGHT in the darkness.  I WILL!

 

I just needed to remind myself of that tonight.  It's been a long emotional day.  The depression is overwhelming sometimes.  But I KNOW I am worth it.  I KNOW I have a reason, a purpose, a goal.  And that goal is to make tomorrow better than today - however I have to do that.

 

I hope everyone had a good day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Secrets

Before you start thinking this is about something that's going on now, let me just put your mind at ease.  This is just something that's been on my mind a lot lately, so I thought I would share some of my thoughts about it.

 

It may be a trigger for some people.  So if it is, please don't continue.  I don't want to cause anybody any trouble.

 

It's about cutting.

 

Now, I know a lot of people think that cutting is a suicide attempt gone wrong.  But let me tell you, it is not.  A lot of people think it's for attention, but they are wrong. Why would you think it's for attention when those that do it HIDE the wounds they leave? It's about release. It's about being overwhelmed, and not being able to find anything else that helps.  So you take out that blade, and drag it across your skin till it breaks and bleeds. And as soon as you see that red start to appear, all the overwhelming emotions and thoughts just seem to fade away.

 

It's really hard to explain to someone who has never done it how much self-injury can help when you're in the middle of an overwhelming emotional/mental crisis.  But it's an addiction.  It's something that is HARD to stop once you start.  It's something that you need help to move past. You need the ability to control those emotions and thoughts.  DO NOT be ashamed of it.  DO ask for help.  I promise, those that care for you - though they may not understand it - will be willing to help! I am so blessed.  I cut for such a long time, and have the scars as a constant reminder.  But thanks to my amazing husband and an amazing friend, I haven't cut in months. 

 

And don't be ashamed of your scars either. Scars simply mean that something tried to kill you and FAILED! 

 

I'm going to share some songs about it.

Take a listen to them.

If you do Self Injure, you will relate to a lot of them

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am SO thankful for my husband and my friends, who have been here for me through this journey.  Who have been there to keep me sane, and grounded, and centered, when all I wanted to do was grab my blades and run.

 

And I an thankful for my mental health team, who have been there for me to help me find meds that help me stay more sane.  For not judging me when I told them about my self-injury.  It really means the world to me.

 

And I am thankful for the people I've met online through random support groups and Facebook pages.  One I just met yesterday I think.  I had posted about wanting to buy a bravelet (For those that don't know, check out Bravelets) but that I couldn't yet cause I couldn't afford it.  I told them about the fact I've tried to commit suicide, and I still fight with my depression and anxiety.  And she contacted me telling me that she would be HAPPY to buy one for me.  That made me cry so hard that someone I didn't even really know AT ALL was willing to do that for me!  SO thankful.

 

Anyway, I just needed to post about that.  Sometimes talking about it is SUPER hard, but maybe my story will help others, and that's something that I try to do every single day through this journey.

 

Hope everyone had an awesome day

LATER TATER
LYNZ