Difficult days

We've all had them. And today was a difficult day.

 

I took Ivy to her Red Rock appointments, and while she was in therapy I went upstairs to see if they could fix my meds for me.  They could have given me an appointment, but it would have been later in the day and it would have canceled my appointment with Dr. Bayne, and I didn't want to do that.  SOO, I didn't end up scheduling it.  Instead, as I was on the way downstairs, I ran in to my old caseworker. Kaitlyn (I think that's how she spells her name. I don't know for sure) and she asked how I was doing. And when I said I wasn't doing so good, she took me back to her office to talk.

 

I have been fighting with my depression REALLY bad the last week. I haven't shown it to too many people, cause I hate feeling judged or like people are taking pity on me.  But I've been suicidally depressed.  Even had a plan for it.  So when I told her that, she had her supervisor come in and do an evaluation.  They determined I'm not an IMMEDIATE threat to myself, and decided against a EOD (Emergency order of Detention) and instead we wrote up a Safety Plan.

 

I'm to go to the crisis center if it gets bad enough I actually feel like acting on it.  My friend James is keeping my blades for me, and my husband is going to keep my meds away from me, only giving me my daily doses each morning.  It seems like a bit of overkill to me, but I guess everyone is truly freaked out.  SO I guess I will do what I have to do to get better and stop focusing on the things I want to do instead. 

 

The feelings of being broken, and a burden, and toxic, are all in my mind. My bipolar is wrecking me right now.  Logically I know it's not real. I know I'm not broken, or a burden, or toxic. I know people want me to stick around. I know people care. But illogically, because of my bipolar, I just think they'd all be better off without me. At least I was able to bring myself to tell someone who could actually do something about it.  I'm blessed for that. And I'm blessed that so many care enough to help me out.  Heather has been one of the biggest supports through this whole thing. James is awesome for taking the blades to hold on to for me (And he refuses to give them back until at least next year), and the other James keeps telling me how much I mean. Doyle has been there for me to tell me how much I'm wanted and needed.  Just, so many in my life who are willing to step up and help.  And that's kinda new to me.

 

I've never really had the courage to talk about the things that were going on in my brain, so when I did I was TERRIFIED that people would turn on me, or abandon me. But they are all proving me wrong. They are proving that they are here to support me.  They are proving that they care. And they are proving that I'm worth it.  And that's HUGE to me.  So thank you all so very very much!  I'm not sure I could ever do this without you all.

 

And thank you for reading. And sending prayers/ happy thoughts/ well wishes/ etc.  That means a lot to me.  Thank you so very much!

Ok, time to go distract myself until my husband gets home

LATER TATER
LYNZ

SO WHAT Wednesday and Throwback Thursday

All in one since I didn't get a chance to write yesterday

 

SO WHAT WEDNESDAY

 

So what if I don't want to do the things I need to do. Sometimes I just need a break.  Is that REALLY such a bad thing?

 

So what if I've admitted that I'm suicidal.  It's better that I talk about it then hold it in and do something stupid right?

 

So what if I went to the wrong courthouse first yesterday because I didn't realize it wasn't up there.  We ended up in the right place, so that's all that matters right?

 

So what if I just want to curl up and sleep for a month. I know my problems would still be there when I woke up, but at least I'd finally be rested.

 

So what if I draw on myself. It keeps me from cutting, and that's the important part, right?  Haven't cut in over a week now, so I'm pretty darn happy with that.

 

So what if I rely on my friends so much.  They are what's helping to keep me alive (along with my family of course)

 

So what if I'm writing this post a day late.  Yesterday was stupid and I barely had a chance to sit down and catch my breath, let alone post a blog.

 

So what if the only thing I've eaten today is a few laffy taffy and 3 French toast sticks.  I'm not hungry, and I had to force myself just to eat that.

 

 <(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

Throwback Thursday

 

 

 

Pics of my grandmas with their great grandgirls. I love these pics so much. They all look so happy! :)  I can tell the girls were all having such a good time.

 

 

My girls school pictures from last year. It's amazing to me how much they've grown in just a year!  So proud of the girls they've become!  They are amazing littles, and I wouldn't trade them for the world!

 

Pic with Grandpa Joe right after his open heart surgery.  So thankful that he pulled through that time.  We got a few more years with him, and I'm thankful for that!

 

Me and my sister when we were little. So cute. WHAT HAPPENED?  lol.  I love my little sis!  She is amazing, and a bright spot in my life!

 

And last but not least is the pic of my mom, my dad, and I when I was SUPER super little.  Love pics that show parts of my past.  They always make me smile. :)

 

And that's throwback Thursday for today

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

This morning Ivy had two appointments out at Red Rock.  Her first was with Justina, the med doctor. She upped her meds and changed it so she takes them at night.

 

Then we went and grabbed something to eat.  Then took her back for her second appointment which is her talk therapy.  She always seems a little happier after that's over cause she can talk to them without fear, and that's something that I guess we have a hard time doing at home.  I know I've got a lot to work on with her, so we've both just got to keep pushing through.

 

And while we were up there, I spoke to my old case worker.  I admitted that I've been fighting suicidal thoughts for about a week, and she had her supervisor come in and evaluate my needs.  To see if I needed to be inpatient, or if I just needed some more help. We decided that I don't need inpatient, and worked up a safety plan.  And if I get bad enough, I'm to go to the crisis center.  SOO, that's something that was a little difficult.  Glad it's done though. I just have to push through till the 13th, and hopefully Dr Bayne will be able to tweak my meds enough that this depression will go away.  It was bad enough that I was actually crying, which I rarely do anymore.  So that tells you how bad it was, heh.

 

Now I'm just home for a few mins till time to go do lunch with Ruben.  Then I'll have a couple hours to kill before I have to go get the girls. I'm hoping my friend will be able to come over again, cause I could use the girl time.  Ya know?  Just someone who understands me, which Heather does.  She's been there.  She deals with the same things, so she is someone I can talk to and not have to worry about her thinking I'm insane and beyond help.  That means a lot to me.

 

Anyway, Gonna jump off here.

HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING AN AWESOME DAY!

 

LATER TATER!

LYNZ

Thankful Tuesday

This post is a little hard today.

I'm having a hard time finding things I'm thankful for today.  SOO much is going on that it's wearing me out. I feel worn thin.  I've got to go in front of a judge tomorrow to have a ticket dismissed cause the officer wrote a ticket cause my insurance card wasn't valid.  Which totally sucks, cause we have insurance, I just didn't have the proof with me. UGH!

 

But anyway.

There are things to be thankful for

 

Last night one of my friends was talking about Suicide, so I spent 2 hours talking him down.  He is still alive today, and he is going to get some help.  So that's definetly a good thing.

 

My daughter has her Red Rock appointment tomorrow.  First one is 9am for her Med doc, then 11 for therapy.  I'm glad it's helping her as much as it is. It's great to see her smile again, and to hear her laugh again.  She still has moments where I can tell things are still getting to her, but she's SO MUCH HAPPIER.  SUCH a good thing, and very thankful for that.

 

My husband has been SUPER helpful with everything that's been going on lately.  With my MS acting up as bad as it has been, the bipolar taking such a horrible downswing, and the PTSD still causing nightmares - he has been my rock in the storm. I am so blessed to have him in my life.

 

I have found something that helps when I get to urge to cut.  (In case I hadn't said it before, I've been cutting since I was 17 years old).  I started drawing on my body. My legs and arms. I've got some really cute stuff that I've drawn. Just geometric patterns and stuff.  And it seems to be helping a TON, so I'm thankful for that. I just hope it keeps working.

 



It's time to fix dinner and try to find something to do to keep me occupied for a while.  I did manage to get the fees that I'll have to pay tomorrow taken care of. My parents are awesome!  Seriously hate having to ask for help, but thankful that they are always there for us when we need them the most.

 

I think this weekend I want to take the girls out and take some pics of them. I think that would be fun, and it would be awesome to have some updated pics of them.  I love having their pictures up in my house. Keeps my loves close, and that's always something that makes me happy.

 

Hope everyone had an awesome day.

 

Share what YOU are thankful for in the comments below!

LATER TATER!
LYNZ

Manic Monday



 

It's just another manic Monday

 

And that's totally true today.  Dealing with my brain, my body, and the rain, all at the same time is exhausting.  Haven't done a whole lot today.  Have a friend that's come over to hang out for a while. She's currently napping though, lol. Hell, if my brain would shut up I'd probably be napping too.  But I don't really have time for a nap now, cause I've gotta go get the girls in just under an hour.

 

My brain can be so mean. With the Bipolar, I just want to curl up and cry, or sleep, or something. I don't even know really.  It's exhausting to be so down and depressed for NO REASON!  Seriously, bipolar sucks.  I know it's something that I've got to learn to live with.  It's something I've been fighting with most of my life already, and I'm still not used to it.  I'm not sure my meds are really working that great, so I'll be talking to the doc again the next time I see him.  HOPEFULLY we can figure it out, cause I HATE this! I hate it with a PASSION.  Yes, I will be fine.  No, I'm not ok YET, but I will get there.  I know it's possible. Just gotta keep fighting.

 

Fight or flight

 

That's something one of my friends says to me when I'm in this kind of mood.  It reminds me that I have two choices.  One is to fight it - and fight it HARD. And the other is to run away from it - but running away means I'll be running forever cause the moment I stop it will catch up.  It reminds me I'm strong enough to fight it.  I just can't give up, and I can't run away. I have to turn and face it and stare it down.  I am stronger than it is, long as I believe I am.

 

And my body is a pain in the butt with this weather acting up the way it has been.  Gotta love Oklahoma. I swear it is bipolar too, lol.  It can be HOT one day, and then COLD and raining the next.  So freaking moody, haha.  Guess I knew what I signed up for though when I agreed to move up here with my husband so long ago.  Still, I'm not sure I will ever get used to it. 

 

I've been watching random Documentaries on Youtube the last few days. I get into that mood and can watch them all day long. I don't know what it is, if I'm honest.  It's just something that I find interesting I guess. IDK.  I don't ask.  Just watch them anyway, lol.  I've been on a "kidnapping" kick the last few days. Watched a few different ones about kids that were kidnapped.  It probably isn't the best thing for me to be watching though cause I'm already paranoid about my kids and their safety, and that just makes it even worse.  I guess that's not really a bad thing, in the grand scheme of things though - it just makes me watch over them more than normal. Might drive my oldest crazy, lol.  But hey, I'd rather drive her crazy than have something so bad happen to her.

 

I'm 99% sure I'm in a mixed state. I'm almost positive I am. Cause my mind is acting like I'm manic - racing a billion miles an hour, not sleeping that well or that much, not eating that much - but the things that are racing through my mind dark and depressive.  So annoying, cause there's not a damn thing I can do to change it.  And no matter what everyone says or does, it doesn't change. I just need someone to sit with me while I'm down. Not to try to fix me, not to force me to talk about everything, just sit with me.  Just hug me, and tell me it's ok.  And I'm blessed to have a friend who is there for me through this whole thing.  She's the one sleeping on the couch behind me. She's been here for me today while I'm fighting all these crazy thoughts.

 

Anyway, I'm going to get off the computer.  Gonna go find something to do.

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Silly Sunday

Starting this post off with one of the cutest and funniest videos I've ever seen. It' just a bunch of silly cats, but I love it!

 

 

And now for the Dogs.  These guys are too freaking funny too!  Seriously makes me laugh so hard!

 

 

And next is KIDS. These kids are too funny too!  I love videos like this so much. Always a good laugh.

 

 

And now Kids at the zoo with some silly animals.

 

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

Sorry posts have been a little late.

My Bipolar has been being a brat.  I'm pretty sure I'm in a mixed state.  My mind is racing, I'm not sleeping that much, I jump from one thing to another - and I'm fighting some SERIOUS depression. Some not so happy thoughts have been the ones racing through my brain. I know they are false.  I know I shouldn't listen, but in the moment it's hard to see. 

 

I'm just so very very thankful for so many in my life that are willing to help me through it.  Like one of my friends took my blades to watch for me for a while so that while I'm dealing with this I'm not tempted to use them.  I'm so thankful that another friend is taking time out of her day tomorrow to come hang out with me and help me.  I'm so thankful for my kids giving me hugs and kisses telling me how much they love me. And I'm so thankful for my husband who doesn't judge when I tell him how I'm feeling, but rather gives me a hug and tells me how awesome I am and how much he loves me.  Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without them in my life. If I'm completely honest, I probably would have been dead a LONG time ago without them.

 

Tomorrow I've got to take Ivy in to the school so the nurse can check her hair AGAIN. I swear, they are picking on her. She hasn't had anything live in her hair for over a MONTH now, and they are still sending stuff home about finding DEAD nits (I'm sure they are dead, because of the not having anything live in her hair for a month!). Pisses me off SO MUCH!  So fucking stupid.  I can't wait for this school year to be over so I can start homeschooling them next year.  I think it will be AMAZING to be able to show them the individual attention they NEED.  POSITIVE attention, not this picking on them bullshit they've been dealing with the last few months! 

 

And I'm starting to be ok with the friend turning into a duche.  I know that he's probably got a lot going on in his life too, and he just didn't know how to handle everything going on.  Still sucks, and still makes it hard for me to trust certain people, but I know it's not ME that he has a problem with. It's himself.  And that's just sad too.

 

For now, my meds are kicking in and it's time for me to take my happy butt to bed.  Hope everyone had an awesome weekend!  Till tomorrow

 

LATER TATER

LYNZ

Super Saturday

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day.  Both physically and mentally I was just exhausted and hurting like hell.  SOO, sorry this is a day late again. 

 

Still had a fun day. Slept in a bit.  Then played some Guild Wars.  Then a friend of mine came over and we went for a good long walk down by the Water Canal. I love it down there.  So pretty and relaxing, even when there are a billion people down there, lol.  We had 3 loaves of bread that I got from the pantry that were going to go bad soon, so we took them down there and fed the ducks. AND we gave some away to some other kids down there to feed the ducks with too.  So it was a good time.  I pushed it WAY too far though, and by the time we got home I was hurting so bad I had to lay down and take a nap. I slept for 4 hours!  It was crazy.  I haven't had a nap like that in a LONG time.

 

My mind has been really mean the last week or so. Stupid Bipolar taking such a drastic swing downwards.  It's something that I'm going to have to learn to deal with better though, cause the things my mind thinks scare even me.  At least I'm getting some help.  And at least I have amazing friends and family there for me.  Cause without all of that, I'm not sure I'd still be here.

 

I'm thankful for my friend Heather who came over yesterday. She deals with Bipolar disorder too, so she's easier to talk to about it. She understands what's going on, and what I'm thinking, better than even my husband. SOO thankful that she's there for me through this whole thing.  We all need that one friend who can do something like that. I mean, yeah, I've got LOTS of other great friends.  Finch, Kerr, J, Kiki, Ash, Jim... I can't say I don't have friends.  But she seems to understand me better than even I understand me some days, heh. 

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

Anyway, on to super stuffs.

Got some songs I want to share that have been stuck in my head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope everyone has an awesome day!

I'll be back later for Silly Sunday (hopefully)

LATER TATER

LYNZ

Fierce Friday

Today the fierce is EMOTIONS.

 

I have some things I need to say, but I can't say them in person. I'm not going to use names, but I'm sure the people this is about would know it's about them if they read it.  And I have no regrets for anything I'm going to post.  Just read it with a grain of salt and an open mind.

 

 

To the person who thinks they know me:

How dare you!  You talk about me like I'm the only one at fault. But you've made just as many mistakes as I have.  You talk to me like I'm a horrible person, but I'm only human. I make mistakes. I fail and I fall, but there's something you need to remember - I AM STRONGER THAN YOU THINK.  I know I've fucked up. I know I've done things I shouldn't have done.  I've made more mistakes than I care to admit.  But treating me like dirt is not kool. Calling me a horrendously toxic person is just rude and hurtful.  I'm not sure what's going on in your life that makes you believe that it's ok to treat someone like that, but I feel bad for you.  I am getting help.  I am on the path to becoming the best person I can become.  I am trying, as hard as I know how to try.  I am doing my best, and if that's not enough for you, then fuck off.  I refuse to try to fit your idea of the perfect me.  I am finally starting to be happy with myself. I just hope you can find the same peace, because right now it seems like all you see is the negative things in your life, and that is sad.  If you would learn to cheer up and find the good things maybe you're life would work out better for you. But until then, good riddance.  I don't need your negativity in my life.

 

To the people who are always there for me:

You are an amazing friend. You are there for me through the good AND the bad. You don't judge me, and you don't put me down.  You don't expect me to be something that I'm not. You just accept me for who I am, and I am so blessed to have you in my life.  I'm not sure where I would be without your amazing support.  I know I make mistakes. I know I fuck up.  I know I am not perfect.  But I am SO thankful that you believe in me. I am SO thankful that you see the best in me, even when I can't see it myself.  I am SO thankful that you are always there to let me curl up and cry on your shoulder, even if it's just online because you are so far away.  And even if you are close, sometimes we just can't find the time to see each other, but you are still there for me, and that means the world to me!  So thank you. Thank you so VERY much!

 

To my amazing children:

You keep me on my toes. You always keep me in a state of wonder watching you grow up and learn and become such wonderful little women.  My life is complete because you are in my life.  I only hope that you know that I am always here for you, no matter what happens in your life.  I won't judge you for making mistakes, because I make mistakes too.  I know you are always growing and learning, and you will learn from your mistakes just as much as your victories.  I love you so very very much!  Never forget that, ever!

 

This is to myself:

This song fits pretty well.

I'm not talking to you

I'm talking to my own reflection

 

 

I am doing my best.

I am being the best I know how to be

I know I fail

I know I fall

I know I can do better

and I'm always striving to

 

Mirror mirror on the wall

WHO ASKED YOU?

I know I am enough

 

LYNZ

Why does it bother me so much

I mean, I know it's not the end of the world. There are FAR worse things I've gone through - even recently - that don't affect me this bad.

 

But having a friend tell me I'm "horribly toxic" and basically dropping me from his life hurts like hell.  Having a friend that I THOUGHT cared about me, that I THOUGHT I could trust, do that to me - well, that hurts more than I can put into words.

 

I know I'm better off without them in my life.  They are negative and toxic themselves.  But it's hard to go from trusting someone to having them do that.

 

Have you guys ever had anybody do that to you?

 

I'm stronger than this. I know I will be fine.  Just gotta let the initial shock of the whole thing wear off.  Cause it took me by total and complete shock.

 

At least I still have amazing friends and family who support me.  Amazing friends and family who don't think I'm toxic.  That one person doesn't matter that much in the grand scheme of things. Not even one little bit.  But that doesn't make the whole thing any easier.

 

Just trying to find something to keep me occupied and distracted till the pain wears off.  It's easier said than done though, cause the things that usually do it for me aren't right now.  And that's annoying, heh.  Maybe I'll just hide in my room and color or something.  Sometimes that helps.

 

Right now though, I think I'm gonna go work on my kitchen.  It's a mess, and we've got friends coming over Sunday to play a game. I'm gonna needs it for snacks and stuff, lol.  But oy, I'm exhausted already and I haven't even started.  Stupid emotional crap wears me out more than physical crap most days.  I think I just need to scream.  Yeah, I think that's it.

 

Oh well, life goes on.

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Throwback Thursday - and some other ramblings

It's THROWBACK THURSDAY

And I'm going to share a BUNCH of photos of me and my family.  Lots and lots.  It's amazing how far we've come over the years, lol.

 

The first one is of me and my sister when we were SUPER little.  We were on a family trip, and had stopped at a mini golf course.  And my mom took this pic of me and my sis.  I love it.  It shows us so carefree.

 

 

The next is of me and my sister from her wedding.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day

 

 

The next is my hubby and oldest at her wedding

 

 

aren't we just so cute, lol.

Hard to believe my oldest was ever that little

 

Next is the 5 generation picture I got with my great grandma before she passed away. It was with my oldest, and it has her, me, my mom, my grandma, and my great grandma in it. I LOVE this pic.  LOVE LOVE LOVE.

 

 

 

Next is a few pics of my girlies.

 

 



And now just a few random throwback pics

 

 

I love the pics of the past. They are such wonderful windows into the life I've lived.  Makes me happy to look at them. :)  And when I get a chance, I'm going to print them out and put them up in my house so I can look at them all the time, lol.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

Now, on to the random ramblings.

 

Sometimes the best thing we can do in our lives is let someone go.  Especially if they are toxic negative people. It's hard sometimes though.  It's SUPER hard when it's someone you thought you could trust.  Someone that saved my life even.  But it turns out that wasn't what he had in mind.  He has decided that I'm not good for his life, and he thinks I'm lying about everything. (I'm a horrible liar, lol. Just ask anybody who actually pays attention).  SOO, it's time to let him go.  To move on to bigger and better things.  I still have amazing friends and family in my life, and that's what matters.  I have no room for negative people.

 

It's hard though, cause I already have trust issues. And for someone I thought I could trust to turn on me so violently..... That's just something I'm having a difficult time processing.

 

I know it's for the best though.  Best not to dwell on it, and I'm trying.  I swear I am trying.  But it's hard. I guess the saying is true - nothing worth doing is ever easy, right?

 

I'll be fine.

 

Hope everyone is having a good day.

LATER TATER
LYNZ

 

The silent treatment

Why the hell do people really think the silent treatment accomplishes anything other than pissing the other person off?  Cause that's what it's doing to me right now.

 

I made a friend very angry. I realize that. And I'm sorry that I did it. But I can't go back and change it.  I can't fix it.  I can only apologize.  And I have.  But he is refusing to even accept my apology.  Let alone talk to me AT ALL.  It's frustrating, because I'm not sure how the future is going to play out.  And I seriously hate that.  I hate that I pissed him off.  I hate that I didn't even realize I was doing it.  And I REALLY hate that he won't even fucking talk to me about it.

 

Look, I'm human.  I make mistakes.  You do too.  But if we hold grudges and constantly have negative feelings about things, life will always be negative and stressed.  I've apologized. I've explained (to the best of my ability).  I admit that I'm wrong.  I don't know what else to say.  I don't know how to make you see just how fucking sorry I am.

 

I know he probably won't even read this.  He just doesn't care enough to.  He's so pissed off all he's seeing is red. 

 

Honestly, I feel kinda bad for him.  He is such an amazing person (who talked me down from suicide!), and he deserves to be happy.  I hope he finds it.  I just wish I wasn't getting left behind.  I want to see him happy.  I know he can find it.  I just hope he finds it soon.

 

Ok, I need to get off the comp and go actually accomplish something.

 

LATER TATER

LYNZ

SO WHAT WEDNESDAY

SO WHAT

If someone doesn't like me for who I am.  I don't need people to like me to be who I am supposed to be.  I make mistakes.  I screw things up.   I am human.  I do my best, but I will fail. It's part of the human nature.  I apologize when I realize I've messed up.  SO WHAT if the person I'm apologizing to doesn't accept the apology.  I have to let it go and move on.  Life can't be filled with drama.  I just wish it were as easy as snapping your fingers.

 

SO WHAT

if I can't get a lot accomplished some days. MS makes it completely unpredictable.  Some days I feel GREAT and accomplish a TON. And some days I'm so weak and in pain that I can't accomplish the smallest things.  People need to realize that I'm doing the best I can do.  I'm sorry if it's not enough for you, but it is enough for me.  I AM ENOUGH just the way I am. 

 

SO WHAT

if I freak out over the stupid little things in life.  Some things that you might think are tiny grains of sand are giant mountains to me.  I'm doing my best to get over it.  I'm doing my best to take life one second at a time, because one day at a time can be too much some times.

 

SO WHAT

if I listen to the same song over and over and over.  Some songs just hit home some days, and I can listen to it all day long.  But so what?  I'm enjoying it.  And that's what really matters right?

 

SO WHAT

if there are days where I just want to curl up with a good book instead of facing the responsibilities of life.  Or if I just want to pull out a coloring book and color for a while. Or if I want to just watch random TV shows for hours on end.  Some days we just need a day "off".  Mind you, I'm a stay at home mom and housewife, so I don't really get a day off, but those little moments are for my peace of mind.  Just let me enjoy them, k?

 

So what are YOUR So Whats today?  Share in the comments. I'd like to hear them. :)

 

Hope everyone has a great day.

I'm sure I'll write more later

For now though, time to turn on a random show

and just chill for a while.

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Contemplation of a manic mind

I'm just warning you now, this post may not make a whole lot of sense.  I've been fighting a manic episode since yesterday, and my mind is going about a billion miles an hour.  So I'm just going to post what I'm thinking about, and see where it leads.  So if it doesn't make any sense, I apologize now.

 

 

First:  I've been thinking a lot about the way people see me.  About the face I put out for the world to see.  I try every day to put on a smile and a strong face.  I want the world to believe that I'm stronger than I truly believe I am.  Hell, I've always been that way. Even as a Kid if something scared me, or made me uncomfortable, or something like that, I'd hide it.  I wouldn't let anybody know.  That's probably a big part of my problem, if I'm honest.  I've never been good at coming out and telling people what's really going on.  I was accused of being a pathological liar yesterday - and while I don't think I am, It is highly possible.  That's one of the things about it - Sometimes the person doing it doesn't realized they are.  And I think, if it's true, I don't realize it because I think what I'm saying is true.  IDk. That makes me sound kinda crazy I guess.  But it's something I've been thinking about since yesterday.  Something I need to figure out how to fix.  I don't even know where to start though. If any of you know, please leave a comment and let me know.  I want to fix it. I hate that I'm doing this and hurting people in my life.  It breaks my heart to hurt someone that I thought I was close to, that I thought I could trust, and that I thought cared about me.  Please, help me figure this out!

 

Second: I'm overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed by the boxes I need to unpack.  Overwhelmed by expenses that keep creeping up on us.  Overwhelmed by everything that's going on - the PTSD, BP, MS, Upsetting friends, having family (in-laws) get mad at me for something I didn't even realize I was doing.  Just, Overwhelmed.  I don't even know where to start, and so I never get anything else really done at all.  I've asked for help, but I rarely get it.  There's always something more important going on it seems, so I'm just left to the back burner. I don't know how much more I can fight this though.  At least not alone. Yeah, I know I have friends and family, and prayer warriors, who care enough to think about me. But I'm just not really getting the help that I need.  And it's frustrating because I can't seem to find the right words to make them understand.  It's exhausting.  IDK. I'll figure it out, I'm sure. Just might take me a LONG time.

 

And I'm overwhelmed by the amount of appointments going on right now. Between mine and my daughters, we are CONSTANTLY doing something.  I'm glad that she's getting the help that she needs, and I know I need the help I'm getting.  But still. Shesh, it's constant.  My daughter has two appointment with Red Rock the 30th, Then I have an appointment the 13th and I'm probably going to see if I can get her appointment for that day too so we don't have to drive up there an extra day. I think that would work out better. Guess we will see if it works out.  And we are a month away from the end of the school year, so then I'll have to find a babysitter for my youngest while we go up there.  UGH! So exhausting.  I know it's important. I know it has to be done.  But sometimes I just wish it didn't.  I wish I were normal. That I didn't need the help.  But alas, it's not to be.

 

This weekend we are supposed to start rolling up characters for a roleplaying game that we're wanting to start playing twice a month.  I hope it all works out, cause It will be nice to see friends more often.  Right now I don't get to see them very often at all, and it sucks.  I'm a bit of a social bug, with close friends at least. So it sucks to be away from them so often. So HOPEFULLY it works out.

 

Right now, I'm gonna go find something to do to distract me.

 

LATER TATER

LYNZ

Thankful Tuesday

Today is a hard day to find something to be thankful for.  Yesterday was a really rough day, and it's hitting me hard still today.  But you know what, I can do this.  I will be fine.  Just gotta remember that what other people think of me doesn't define me. What matters is how I see myself, how I behave, and how I treat others.  So I am DETURMINED to just keep my head up and keep moving.

 

Anyway, this morning I am thankful for my beautiful little girls. Desiree is 6, and Ivy is 11, and they are both so beautiful and smart.  Ivy is already smarter than me, haha.  And Desiree grows every single day. She's going to be smart too, I can feel it.  They are amazing. They are always there for me when I just feel like curling up in a ball for a while. They keep me on my toes, always up to something new and exciting.  And they always make me smile with their silly jokes.  I love my littles something fierce.  They are my world, and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

 

I am also thankful for my husband. He is an amazing man that is always there for me too.  In fact, he usually understands what's wrong before even I do, heh.  He works a job he hates to keep a roof over our head and food in our stomachs.  He is a wonderful father, and a wonderful husband, and I am SO thankful that he is in my life.  SO SO thankful.

 

I am thankful for my friends, who are always there for me too.  I know I can be difficult sometimes (BP and PTSD tend to do that) but they shake it off and forgive me and stick by my side, and that's amazing to me.  I know I've lost some friends recently, over stuff I didn't even realize I was doing. I just hope he can forgive me in the future, but I guess we will find out. I mean, I will be ok if he doesn't, but I HATE having someone be so upset with me.  My other friends though, they are AMAZING and patient and always there for me. They help keep me grounded when my head is in the cloud or my heart is heavy.  I LOVE my friends with everything I have.

 

I am thankful to still be alive.  After the car accident, the BP, the PTSD, and the MS some days it's amazing to me that I'm still here.  There have been so many times where I thought I wouldn't be, and then I woke up the next morning refreshed and renewed and ready to take on the new day.  That is amazing to me, and I am SO thankful for it.

 

I am thankful that I finally found the courage to get help with things that I was fighting with.  I know it's a path to being a better person, and I am BOUND and DETURMINED to be better.  My family, my friends, and I all deserve me to be better.

 

So anyway, today I don't have a LOT of things planned, but there are a few.  Going to sort through some boxes and totes to try to find a few things.  Gonna play some Guild Wars.  And gonna chat with some friends.  I think it's going to be a good day.  Or rather, I'm determined to make it a good day.  Darnit, I deserve it!  Just sayin, lol.

 

Now, gonna share one of the videos for a song I LOVE.

 

 

"My baby's already got all my love"

 

I love this song. Like, A LOT!

 

Enjoy, lol.

 

Hope you have a good day

LATER TATER!

LYNZ

Why can't I make it all better

This afternoon has been a bit rough.  I have a friend that I thought was one of my best friends, who I could trust, and who cared about me basically tell me I was wrong.  I know what I've done, and what they think I've done, and I wish I could make it all better. But I can't. I can't change it at all.

 

SO I guess that means I need to come to terms with it.  With the Bipolar though, that's easier said than done.  My emotions have been swinging like MAD since the whole thing started.  GRRR!  It's seriously frustrating to have no control over your emotions and moods.  Like, SERIOUSLY annoying.  It's something I'm still coming to terms with, now that I have a name for what I've been dealing with for most of my life.

 

I'm just blessed that my family and most of my friends are as understanding as they are.  I know there are a few who don't, and I've got to be ok with that. It will ruin my day/ life if I let it get to me every time someone doesn't like me. I am me. I do what I do, how I do it, when I do it because that's who I am.  I can't just snap my fingers and change it. Trust me, I've tried.

 

I just wish it were easier to explain to people.

 

But it's not, and I can't, so I don't know what to do about it other than come to terms with it and move on.  I just hope they can forgive me in the future. I'm on the path to getting better.  I can do this. I know I can.  It's gonna be a long road, but I WILL get there!

 

Thank you for reading.  This Manic Monday has DEFINTELY been a MANIC MONDAY, lol.  WAY too much going on right now.  WAY too much. But it's ok. I will be ok.

 

In fact, I'm fine.

 

Now, You will come to know what "Fine" really means if you don't already.  I'll explain now, actually, so you know for the future.

 

"I'm Fine" means I don't want to talk about it.  "I'm Fine" means that I'm not doing so great, but I really don't want anybody else to know.  "I'm fine" means I need help - even if it's just prayers/ happy thoughts sent my way.  "I'm fine" means everything but. 

 

So watch for that word if you want to know what's really going on.  Cause I tend to use it a lot.  Especially right now.

 

Maybe at my next Red Rock appointment we can address some of the things that are going on right now.  And HOPEFULLY we can figure out a way to work through it easier than I know how to right now.  Ya know?  Guess we will see though, right?

 

Anyway, today has been a pretty icky MS day too.  My legs are tingling and weak, and I keep stumbling into things. My whole body feels like it's shaking.  My eyes don't want to cooperate AT ALL.  And I've had a migraine (which I hear is more common in MS than some other things).  Just an all around BLAH day.  And on top of it, my heart keeps skipping beats (pretty sure I have an arrhythmia - just not diagnosed yet) which makes me dizzy and makes it a bit hard to breathe.  YAY fun, haha.  Oh well, can't change it either.  So Just gotta deal with it.

 

My girlies are home now. YAY!  I miss them while they are away at school. I think that's a big part of why I want to homeschool next year.  That on top of my oldest getting picked on and teased.  I think it will do us ALL some good to have that time together, learning new stuff and things. :)

 

Now, I'm gonna go run a match of PVP in Guild Wars and figure out what we need to pick up at the store. 

 

LATER TATER

LYNZ

Manic Monday

and boy is it manic!

Life, it seems, has decided to throw a billion things at me at once again.  It's super frustrating, to say the least. I have so much going on I don't even know where to start.

 

But you know, it could always be worse.  I'm on the road to getting some help, and that's what really matters.  Sorry for the vague there, but I don't really want to talk about it just yet.  Don't worry, I will be fine.  Just gotta get it done.  And I know I will be better once it's done.

 

I'm tired of pushing people away.  My BP sends my moods and mind down some pretty insane roads, and I keep pushing people away because of it.  I have a fear that I may have lost someone I thought was a really good friend because of some of the shit I've been doing/ saying lately. And that breaks my heart. I know I can be better than this. I KNOW I can.  So please, if you pray, pray for me. If you don't, do whatever else it is that you do:  Send healing energy, happy thoughts, well wishes, good vibes, chant, etc.  PLEASE!  I need all the help I can get right now.

 

Right now, I just feel broken. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Just broken. And I know that it's going to sound stupid to some of you, but sometimes I just don't feel like I'm going to get any better.  I feel like a horrible person sometimes.  Stupid PTSD, BP, and MS. UGH! 

 

 

Right now, I am fighting with all I have to be a better person.  Fighting things I swore to myself I'd never fight again.  Dealing with things I wish I could just snap my fingers and make go away.  I am not ok yet. Not even close.  I KNOW I am not ok yet.  BUT, I am fighting as hard as I know how.  Sometimes, the hardest days, the bad days, are the days we are fighting the hardest, right?

 

 

I'm trying to help my husband find a new job, trying to unpack the house, trying to make sure the girls are doing good in school, taking baths on a regular basis, remembering to put deodorant on in the morning, brush their teeth, brush their hair (you know, all the stuff we do on a daily basis that they are still forming the habit for).  And still dealing with my MS throwing a fit cause the weather is changing like crazy, and my BP moodswings going insane, and the PTSD setting my anxiety on edge over the smallest little things.  It is exhausting, to say the least.  But you know what, I CAN DO THIS!  (ok, might need some help, but it will get done).

 

 

I won't lie. I've had periods in my life where I thought I'd be better off dead.  Where I thought the rest of the world would be better off because I wasn't here anymore.  I've fought with depression for a LONG time now, and sometimes I swear I think it's going to win.  But thanks to amazing people in my life (one of which I'm afraid I may have pushed away. *cries*) I am still here, and I'm finding things to be happy for, to live for.  And I am SO THANKFUL that I still am.  Those people who mean the most to me (my husband, my daughters, my best friends, and my family) aren't going to have to deal with the pain of losing someone they love.  I will be ok. I just have to keep fighting the depression.  Cause it keeps poking it's head in and reminding me that it's there. UGH!

 

 

Trying to remember that. I have had a LOT happen to me in my life. Like,  A LOOOTTT.  lol.  And for the longest time I just let it win. I let it beat me down and pin me there.  I let it make me feel useless, worthless, broken, and beaten.  But now, I see it as a challenge.  And the challenge is to see the beauty in everything, instead of just being trapped by the bad.  And life is SO beautiful!

 

I start a new journey today.  A journey that I need to be on, but that terrifies me something fierce.  So please, help me out here.  I just want your thoughts, your prayers, your happy thoughts.  Your courage, and your strength.  I can do this. I know I can.  But I need help.

 

Thank you all so very very much.

 

Now, Gonna put a little plug in here

With everything that's been going on lately, I need a little pick me up.  I've got my eye on a couple adult coloring books, and an MS awareness T-shirt.  But I am beyond broke.  SOO, I've started a gofundme account.  I'm not asking for much. Hell, even $1 goes a long way.  So if you can, please donate.  If you can't, please share and help me get the word out there.

 

GO FUND ME

 

THANK YOU

Lots of love and hugs and kisses

LYNZ

 





Silly Sunday

Welcome to Sunday

 

Today is going to be a bit busy, but it's gonna be a good day nonetheless

 

Right now I'm just posting my blogs for you guys.  In case anybody actually cares to read, lol.  I have a lot running around in my brain (go go Bipolar Manic episode).  But it could always be worse right?

 

I've been playing some Guild Wars 2. LOTS of PvP. And doing some dungeons and stuff too.  If you play, look me up.  I'm Sillystarryeyes, and I'm in BBH (Bound By Honor).  Lots of fun, and great time killer when I have some free time, heh.

 

Here in a bit I'll get my laundry together. And then I'm gonna take my girls and laundry over to my mother in laws house. She is AWESOME for doing it for me (since I can't do the stairs with my MS) and watching the girls (who LOVE their grandparent time over there). 

 

Then i'm gonna come home and spend some time with my hubby.  Probably play a little more Tomb Raider and just chill out for a bit. We've got a friend coming over this evening to probably play some games and just hang out for a bit.  Should be a good time.

 

Anyway.  Silly Sunday.

So I'm gonna share some silly stuffs with you guys. Some random youtube videos and stuff.

 

So watch, have a good laugh, and pass it along.

Thanks guys.

 

https://www.facebook.com/heartlondon/videos/10155475721715113/

 

 

SILLY WOMEN with SILLY TATTOOS

NSFW - just so you know

 

http://blog.tattoodo.com/2015/04/nsfw-wtf-thinking-tattoos-womens-edition/

 

 

Carrie Underwood mix

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUK_kVwqrtI&feature=youtu.be

 

Cute Owl Candles with a secret

http://www.awesomeinventions.com/owl-candle-skeleton/

 

Silly Cats

https://www.facebook.com/BuzzFeedVideo/videos/1678927995581409/

 

Cute Kid dancing

http://babythriller.littlethings.com/little-boy-thriller-dance/?utm_content=bufferffe65&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_source=sungazing&utm_campaign=PFPost

 

How Disney princesses would REALLY look

http://www.awesomeinventions.com/disney-princesses-with-realistic-hair/

 

More Silly animals

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=912883162065197

 

Cat gets scared by screamer

https://www.facebook.com/887vibefm/videos/1020050074690468/

 

Not so silly, but pretty amazing

https://www.facebook.com/dancingwiththestars/videos/10153195584686740/

 

Dogs in a photobooth

http://gipsy.ninja/shelter-puts-dogs-in-a-photobooth-to-get-them-adopted-and-the-results-are-all-that/

 

You're kid is in my yard again

https://scontent-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/s851x315/10609593_1010257915663934_3133706929637437052_n.png?oh=d884e2dc67d86355fa2a7975680e6fd9&oe=55DAC717

 

 

Hope it makes you guys laugh

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

This Tuesday will mark 6 weeks since my car accident.  STILL fighting with some knots in my chest, but all in all I'm doing a LOT better.  My girls are SUPER fine now, so that makes me super happy. The new car is as tempermental as I am, but that's ok, lol. We've figured out a lot about it, so it's a little easier to handle. And we are doing good in our new house.  I LOVES IT!  It's super small, but has a HUGE yard.  And once we get everything put up and organized, i think it will be PERFECT. I'm super happy we got it. YAY!

 

Ok, time to get back to the daily grind.

HOPE YOU HAVE AN AWESOME DAY

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Super Saturday (a day late, but still)

Yesterday we had a pretty good day.
We got a LOT accomplished early in the day, and then had a friend come over to play EPIC SPELL WARS (which is an AWESOME and fun game that is super silly).  It was a lot of fun.

 

I also got a little more work done around then house, which is always a good thing. Still got a LONG way to go to get it finished cause we have SO MUCH STUFF to sort through.  But it's ok. I will get there.

 

I know I've been listening to a LOT of different music lately.

 

So I thought I'd share some of what I've been listening to with you guys.

 

First is "People Like Us" by Kelly Clarkson

 



 

Next is "Brave" by Sara Bareilles

 

 

Zedd "Clarity"

 

 

Zedd "I want you to know"

 

 

Becky G  "Can't stop dancing"

 

 

Selena Gomez "The heart wants what it wants"

 

 

Anna Kendrick "cups"

 

 

Taylor Swift "Shake it off"

 

 

So anyway, that's just a few songs I've been listening to lately.  Not too shabby of a playlist, lol.  I know there are a lot of people who don't really like some of these songs, and to them I say "Listen to what you want".  To each their own, right?

 

Anyway. That's my super Saturday for you guys

 

Onward!

Hope everyone has an awesome day

 

LYNZ

Evenings are the worst

You know, I used to LOVE evenings.  They were great.  Spending time with friends and family, enjoying the sunset, and cooler temps.  And just enjoying the night.

 

But now, with the BP, Depression, PTSD, and MS, evenings are pure hell some nights.  Tonight is one of those nights.  Just... blah.

 

My legs hurt like crazy, my eyes aren't cooperating because I'm exhausted, my depression is making it hard to enjoy the things that I usually enjoy.  Just, blah.  I'm ok.  I mean, I'm not thinking about doing anything BAD like I have in the past.  But it's just pure exhaustion.

 

At least it's Friday.

I play guild wars, and the guild I'm in does guild missions on Friday nights, so that's fun.  I can stay up a little later and sleep in tomorrow, which is nice. 

But it is also Friday.

Which is the day I take my Avonex shot, which makes me feel BLAH for 24 hours.  Fight with a migraine, achy body (more than normal aches and pains), and just the all around blah of flu like symptoms.

 

I know it's a good thing.

I know because I take the shot it hasn't gotten any worse
It hasn't gotten BETTER, mind you

But it hasn't gotten worse.

 

Just, I hate doing it, heh.

 

Right now, I'm watching some random Youtube videos, chatting with some friends, and getting ready to do dinner and play some Tomb Raider with my hubby until time for guild missions.  HOPEFULLY I can get over this BLAH and enjoy something for a while.

 

If not, tomorrow is a new day right?

 

Hope all of you had a good day.

And I hope all of you rest well

 

GOODNIGHT

LYNZ

DON'T WASTE YOUR SPOONS

I heard a story a while back that really hits home with me. Especially with the MS.  And it's the spoon theory.  Now. Imagine this....

 

When you wake up in the morning, you are given 10 spoons.  And those spoons are the amount of things you can do in one day. 

 

Now, remember, Getting dressed, fixing your hair, cooking, cleaning, going to run errands, etc, ALL take spoons.  So what do you do? What do you let go?

 

Some days are easier than others. Some days you have more spoons.  But some days, you have even less.

 

Today is one of those LESS days for me.  I got up and got dressed (1 spoon) I took my husband to work and my kids to school. (1 spoon)  I've finished organizing the clothes in my bedroom. (1 spoon) And that's all my body seems to want to do.  At least for now. Maybe later I can find some more spoons so I can get stuff done.  There's still a TON to get done around here since we moved, so I SERIOUSLY need to find more spoons, lol.

 

 

But, in other news

 

I'm going to share some about my past. 

Now, nothing HORRIBLE happened to me.  Not really.  I was raised in a very religious family.  We went to church 3 times a week, and went out in field service once a week.  We didn't celebrate holidays, or birthdays.  We were just there to do Gods work. And it wasn't all that bad (despite how it sounds, lol).  It was hard sometimes to be a kid and not get to do things like Christmas, or Birthday parties, or Halloween.  But you got used to it.

But my senior year in high school, everything in my life changed.  I had met a guy that was AWESOME. He filled my days with smiles, and always made me feel better about myself, even when the world seemed to be falling apart around me. He was everything to me.

 

He was a year older than me, and had graduated the year before.  And we had planned on getting married when I graduated.  But in October of my senior year in high school, just months away from graduation and being able to get married, Something HORRIBLE happened. 

I'd been talking to him that day, and he seemed down and depressed.  I spent HOURS trying to talk him down. To make him feel better. To make him see how much he meant to me.  But it didn't work. And that day, he killed himself right in front of me. Shot himself in the head.

 

That sent me on a downward spiral.  I did things I regret, I started cutting, I started drinking. I just started to NOT CARE about myself or my life.  I even tried to kill myself (sorry mom for never telling you if you read this).  But I had an amazing friend who talked me down and made me see that it's worth living.  So I'm still here today because of them. So THANK YOU!

 

But I never told ANYBODY want happened.  SO FEW knew. I hid it from everyone. I just dealt with it alone. And it built and built and built.  And finally, In November of last year, I hit a breaking point. I was ready to kill myself again. I had written my letter, had everything planned out, and had even written up a will of sorts.  But then one of my friends (who is the most awesome person in my life some days, lol) came over and LITERALLY fought me for the stuff I was going to use.  He saved my life.  And not long after that is when they deputy told me to get help.  I've been in treatment for 6 months now, and I'm finally starting to be happy, and healthy (I even lost 3 pounds this last month, YAY!).  I am blessed to still be here, and I'm doing everything in my power to enjoy every moment of this life.

 

After my senior year, I started working at a movie theatre.  I loved the job, even getting promoted to concession manager, than to a relief manager (floating manager, if you will).  It was a lot of fun (and seeing movies for free didn't hurt either, haha). It was while I was working at the movie theatre that I met the man that is now my husband.  He is amazing. He's been working a job he hates for the last 10 years (most of it working nights) to make sure to keep a roof over our head and food in our stomachs.  He is there for me when things start to go all wonky (Which they still do) and to show me how amazing I am to him too.  We have been married since 2002 (legally). Hard to believe it's been 13 years now!  EEK! 

 

We have two amazing little girls.  One is 11 and the other is 6, and they are both the most beautiful, smart, and funky little girls out there (yeah, a little biased, I know, haha).  They are all three the reason I get up in the morning, put on a happy face (even when my brain is going insane) and face the world. Without them, I'm not sure I'd still be here today.  And that's the Gods honest truth.

 

But I am, and I'm BLESSED to be here.  I see each day as a new chance to make a HUGE difference in someone's life.  And I strive to do that in one way or another every single day.

 

This life is a blessing.
And it is amazing

and beautiful

and crazy

 

But it's life

And it's definetly worth living.

 

OK, Till later
LYNZ