This was written over on elephantjournal.com, and I think it is BEAUTIFUL!  So i am sharing it here, because I feel EVERYONE needs to read this!  EVERYONE!

This is for the Tough Days.

Via Sarah Harvey on Feb 5, 2015

This is for the days when our hearts hurt like hell, pulsating with a fierce, fiery pain.

This is for the days when we bite back tears, trying too hard to swallow them whole.

This is for the days when our souls feel heavy, so we slump our tired shoulders down, down, down.

This is for the days when getting out of bed feels like a bad-ass, award-winning achievement.

This is for the days when we tremble with anger, our temper on super-short hairline-triggers.

This is for the days when we feel empty, useless and invisible, like a hungry ghost.

Yes.

This is for those really tough days.

The days that rip us wide open, leaving us naked and exhausted, shivering in the dark.

The days where we just want to give up.

The days where we want to run far, far, away.

But, we can’t.

We can’t run. Or hide. Or give up.

Because if we did, the only person we would be running from is ourselves.

We would be giving up on ourselves.

Hiding from ourselves.

So, yes, we can try to bail and haphazardly fling ourselves under a fast-moving bus when the going gets tough.

But the thing is—we actually need ourselves the most on those f*cking tough, trying and terrible days.

Let’s stay.

Let’s stick it out.

We don’t need to understand what we’re feeling.

We don’t need to analyze it.

We just need to stay and support the sh*t out of ourselves.

How?

What can we do?

We can be bold and dive right into the toughness of the day, feeling the icy water drip into our hearts, freezing to form incredibly beautiful icicles.

We can run directly towards ourselves, sprinting with wide open arms, a supportive smile and a glass of succulent red wine.

We can buy our battered souls a big bouquet of blossoming flowers.

We can clear a space and cry a thousand crystalline drops till the skies clear and our salty tear-rain has passed.

We can run our soul a frothy bubble bath, slip into mile-high lavender bubbles and take a breath.

We can retreat from the world, burrow under our covers, sigh, moan and just hurt.

We can ask ourselves, “What can I do for you right now?”

We can be really ballsy, wear our heart on our sleeve and ask a trusted friend for an extra-large serving of support.

We can curl up in child’s pose and cry into our yoga mats.

We can write, paint, dance and sing our hurt, our passionate pain, our wicked grief, and express it no-holds-barred, creating magical art from our madness.

We can cue up an angsty, melancholy playlist and sob or scream or tremble till our hearts slip into a soothed state.

We can reach out, take our own hand and squeeze it hard.

Yes.

There are a thousand beautiful things we can do to support ourselves.

So let’s vow now to never, ever abandon our sweet selves again.

Ever.

Because, yes, some days are incredibly tough.

But they can be really juicy, too.

They can be transformative.

They can be beautiful.

They can be filled with inspiration.

They can be chock-full of creativity.

They can be exactly what we need.

So, let’s be bold and stick around.

Let’s be badass and meet those tough days head on.

<(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)>

I am trying, I promise, to find the good things in life.  I'm fighting through my depression, my mixed state, my mania.  I am fighting through the suicidal thoughts.  I am fighting through all the bad things that keep creeping into my brain and screaming at me that they will help.  I am taking my meds, finding things to keep me distracted, and always looking for the light in the darkness.  Sometimes it's hard.  Actually, MOST times it is SOOO hard.  The light is just a tiny speck, smaller than a star in the sky, and the darkness is overwhelming and exhausting.

BUT  I WILL get through this!  

I will be here tomorrow

and the day after

I will find the good in life

I will survive the bad

I will be the light in the darkness

I will show my kids that we are stronger than this

And we will be HAPPY!

It might take a little while

it might take EVERY SINGLE OUNCE of our strength

But we WILL do it!

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP

I hope everyone has a good day.

LATER TATER
LYNZ

I have - not I am

I have Multiple Sclerosis.  I SUFFER from Multiple Sclerosis.  But Multiple Sclerosis is not who I am.  Yes, it affects my life in a HUGE way.  I can't feel my legs most of the time, and when I can it's usually because they are hurting like crazy.  They go weak, or they tingle, or they are pins and needles.  My eyes don't focus on the same things at the same time.  You can see it in most pictures that I take - my left eye always looking off to the side instead of at the camera.  BUT, that is not who I am. 

 

I have Rapid Cycling Bipolar disorder.  I SUFFER from Rapid Cycling Bipolar disorder.  But rapid cycling bipolar disorder is not who I am.  Yes, it too affects my life in a HUGE way.  My moods will swing, sometimes multiple times a day. I go through the highest of highs, and the lowest/ darkest of lows. Like right now - I am in a very deep low point.  Sometimes it is hard to even get out of bed, let alone ADULT.  Sometimes I get angry at the smallest of things, and cry at the drop of a hat. BUT, that is not who I am.

 

I have PTSD.  I SUFFER from PTSD.  But PTSD is not who I am.  Yes, it affects my life in a HUGE way as well.  I have nightmares (thank goodness my nightmare med seems to have that at bay, at least for now).  I have flashbacks.  I have a hard time some days being close to those around me for some irrational fear that it will happen again.  I have severe anxiety, not just because of that but PTSD definitely doesn't help that.  BUT, PTSD is not who I am.

 

I am a mother.  I am a Wife. I am a friend.  I am a daughter.  I am a learning coach for my daughters, and a gaming buddy for my hubby and friends.  I am a writer, and an artist, and a musician.  I am a HUMAN BEING, not the diseases I suffer from.  Sometimes I lose sight of that.  Sometimes I feel like the diseases take control and there's nothing I can do but hold on for dear life until things stop spinning.  But thanks to the amazing friends and family, I am slowly starting to see that as well.  It's ok to feel down.  It's ok for my moods to swing.  It's ok for me to say NO I can't do that today.  It's ok to admit that I'm overwhelmed. 

 

But the one that I will NEVER do is give up. I will NOT let the diseases win.  I will keep fighting.  I WILL FIND THE LIGHT in the darkness.  I WILL!

 

I just needed to remind myself of that tonight.  It's been a long emotional day.  The depression is overwhelming sometimes.  But I KNOW I am worth it.  I KNOW I have a reason, a purpose, a goal.  And that goal is to make tomorrow better than today - however I have to do that.

 

I hope everyone had a good day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Secrets

Before you start thinking this is about something that's going on now, let me just put your mind at ease.  This is just something that's been on my mind a lot lately, so I thought I would share some of my thoughts about it.

 

It may be a trigger for some people.  So if it is, please don't continue.  I don't want to cause anybody any trouble.

 

It's about cutting.

 

Now, I know a lot of people think that cutting is a suicide attempt gone wrong.  But let me tell you, it is not.  A lot of people think it's for attention, but they are wrong. Why would you think it's for attention when those that do it HIDE the wounds they leave? It's about release. It's about being overwhelmed, and not being able to find anything else that helps.  So you take out that blade, and drag it across your skin till it breaks and bleeds. And as soon as you see that red start to appear, all the overwhelming emotions and thoughts just seem to fade away.

 

It's really hard to explain to someone who has never done it how much self-injury can help when you're in the middle of an overwhelming emotional/mental crisis.  But it's an addiction.  It's something that is HARD to stop once you start.  It's something that you need help to move past. You need the ability to control those emotions and thoughts.  DO NOT be ashamed of it.  DO ask for help.  I promise, those that care for you - though they may not understand it - will be willing to help! I am so blessed.  I cut for such a long time, and have the scars as a constant reminder.  But thanks to my amazing husband and an amazing friend, I haven't cut in months. 

 

And don't be ashamed of your scars either. Scars simply mean that something tried to kill you and FAILED! 

 

I'm going to share some songs about it.

Take a listen to them.

If you do Self Injure, you will relate to a lot of them

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am SO thankful for my husband and my friends, who have been here for me through this journey.  Who have been there to keep me sane, and grounded, and centered, when all I wanted to do was grab my blades and run.

 

And I an thankful for my mental health team, who have been there for me to help me find meds that help me stay more sane.  For not judging me when I told them about my self-injury.  It really means the world to me.

 

And I am thankful for the people I've met online through random support groups and Facebook pages.  One I just met yesterday I think.  I had posted about wanting to buy a bravelet (For those that don't know, check out Bravelets) but that I couldn't yet cause I couldn't afford it.  I told them about the fact I've tried to commit suicide, and I still fight with my depression and anxiety.  And she contacted me telling me that she would be HAPPY to buy one for me.  That made me cry so hard that someone I didn't even really know AT ALL was willing to do that for me!  SO thankful.

 

Anyway, I just needed to post about that.  Sometimes talking about it is SUPER hard, but maybe my story will help others, and that's something that I try to do every single day through this journey.

 

Hope everyone had an awesome day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Life and all it's twists and turns

The last couple weeks have been CRAZY!  Getting ready to start school - and getting everything set up.  Thanks to my parents we have everything we need, and all I had to do was come home and organize it all.  And man was that a chore.  But we got it done.

 

We started school last Tuesday - the 18th.  Considering I've never done the homeschool thing before, it's been interesting to say the least.  Helping the girls figure things out, doing science experiments, helping with math that even I can't figure out sometimes (although, thanks to the learning coach guides it's been a bit easier).  So far the girls are doing pretty good, and that makes me happy. :)  I'm so glad that I have the chance to do this now.  I love the extra time with the girls, and I love watching them learn and grow. 

 

I've also been trying to get the house cleaned and organized when I can.  There is so much that I have to do to get the house DONE, but we are getting there.  It's REALLY slow, but we are making progress, and that's what matters right?

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

I've started reading the Maze Runner books.  I've read the first two already, and I'm on the 3rd one.  It's interesting seeing all the differences in the book.  The movie was good, don't get me wrong. But they changed a LOT.  I'm interested to see what the do with the next movie.  Now I'm on the 3rd book, and so far it's pretty good. I'm not super far into it yet, but I'm enjoying them a lot. :)  I'm thankful for the digital download options with the library system.  I can read a lot of books without having to actually go to the library.  And that's awesome for me, lol.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

I'm still fighting with a lot of different emotions and questions.  But I think I'm finally hitting a point of acceptance.  Those "friends" who have turned on me aren't really worth my time anymore. They aren't worth me fretting over.  If they can't accept me for what I am, and who I am, then they can fuck off.  I'm better without them in my life.  It's still hard to deal with sometimes, but I know that it's for the best.  I am growing and becoming a better person each and every day, and I don't need that negativity in my life anymore.  I need to focus on the positive things in my life, and leave all the negativity behind me.  And that's what I'm striving to do each and every day. Those friends who are still here for me are the TRUE friends. They are the ones that pick me up when I fall down. They are the ones that understand that sometimes I can be difficult, but they are still there to help me through it all.  And that means the world to me.  I can't wait until I can visit them again.  It's been way too long!  At least I know they are still there for me when I do finally get to see them again.

 

Hopefully that can happen soon.  I'm homesick like crazy.  I miss my family. I miss my friends.  I miss the riverfront.  I miss creakmore park.  I miss all the crazy little things in Fort Smith.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Oklahoma City.  I love the zoo, the waterfront, the canal, Draper Park, shopping at the malls and the outlet shoppes.  I love it here. I love our house. I love downtown.  I seriously love the city. But I sometimes miss the quiet of living in a smaller town.  I sometimes miss the fact I could get from one side of the city to the other in 20 mins.  In OKC, getting from one side of the city to the other takes AT LEAST 30 mins, and usually more like 45 mins to an hour.  Don't get me wrong, I don't HATE it.  It's just nice to be able to get to where you need to get in a shorter amount of time, lol.

 

Anyway, it's time for me to do dinner, take my shot, take a shower, and get to bed.  So I'm out for the night.  I hope everyone had an awesome day.

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Time to get real

I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

 

That means I experience the ups and downs a lot more often than those with either bipolar I or bipolar II.  I deal with moodswings every single day, usually multiple times a day.  Along with that, I have extended periods of depression (usually lasting anywhere from one full week, to as long as a month), and extended periods of mania (lasting anywhere from 3-4 days, to as long as two weeks).  It can be EXHAUSTING dealing with it myself, so I can only imagine how difficult it is for those around me.  I try my best to take my meds as prescribed, and to be aware of the moodswings as they happen, but sometimes it's really hard to understand.  I can be fine one moment, happy even, and the very next moment something will set me off and I'm so pissed off that I can't see anything but red, and then then very next moment I'm bawling on the couch crying on my husbands shoulder.  And most of the time, I don't have any clue what set me off or why it's happening.

 

That's the REAL truth of my life.  I hope that my doctors and I can come up with something that actually works, cause as of right now the meds I'm on barely touch some of those symptoms.  I know it's going to be a struggle.  I know it's probably going to take a long time before I will find what I need. 

 

The hardest thing for me is the periods of mania.  And I know that probably sounds crazy.  Why would periods of extreme happiness and lost of energy be such a problem?  Well, it's because I tend to make bad decisions, act recklessly, or overdo it (and with my MS that is NEVER a good thing)  I don't sleep nearly enough.  I don't eat nearly enough. I can't carry on a conversation for more than a minute because I'm constantly jumping subjects and it's hard for even me to keep up with, let alone anybody I may be talking to.  It's those periods of mania that tend to get me in the most trouble.  I tend to spend well beyond my means.  I tend to push myself to continue doing things that are bad for me, or that push me too far, even though my body is screaming to stop.  I've lost friends because of the mania.  Because people think I'm CRAZY and they want nothing to do with me because of it.  I'm thankful that I have so many friends that understand it's the DISEASE and not ME that is causing the problems.  But it's still hard on them.  I know it is. 

 

And then almost as soon as the mania dies off, the depression comes in.  I go from GO GO GO, to UGH in a matter of a few days sometimes.  I don't want to do ANYTHING, and my responsibilities fall to the wayside.  I don't feel worth very much.  I cry all the time.  I sleep a lot, and still barely eat enough.  I oftentimes think of suicide, and wish that it wouldn't hurt those around me so badly if I were to go through with it.  Nothing keeps my attention, and I don't enjoy anything at all.  It's beyond frustrating to feel that way, and to logically know that there is no reason to feel that way yet not be able to do anything about it.  I try, so fucking hard, to focus on the good things in my life - my amazing husband, my amazing kids, my amazing friends, the ability that I can still play the violin and piano, and draw, and create things out of clay.  But at the end of the day, none of that matters.  Only the dark that takes over my mind matters.  And I know it's damn near impossible for me to explain what's going on or why it's happening.  I know it confuses those around me.  And I know that a lot of them feel helpless to help because I can't even explain what is really wrong. 

 

I think the hardest thing for me through all of it is my inability to say no to some things and people.  If someone asks me to do something, 9 out of 10 times I do it, even when I don't want to.  And then people wonder why I am exhausted, or depressed, or bring the mood down while I'm doing it.

 

 

I know that's easier said than done, but it's one of the things I'm hardcore working on.  I need to focus on me and my husband and daughters.  I need to focus on the things that I HAVE to do, and not things that you want me to do.  I just hope you can be understanding if I say "No, I can't do that today".  It's nothing against you.  It's me doing what I need to do to survive.  It's me doing what I need to do to keep up with my responsibilities.  So please, understand that "No, not today" doesn't mean that I don't like you or don't want to help.  It means I can't physically, mentally, or emotionally do that today and still function as the adult I need to be. K?  Thanks.

 

I wish more people would understand that.

 

I'm doing the best I can

 

Anyway, time to get back to work.

Hope everyone has an awesome day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

 

It's been eating me alive

This is something I've been fighting with for a few weeks now.  Since I lost a "friend" that I thought would be there for me through everything, and instead he dropped me like a hot potato that he never wanted to touch again.  It was hard as hell for me to accept.  He had been there for me through a TON of crazy things, and he was always there for me to talk to. And then all of the sudden he turned on me.  It was that moment when I saw his true colors, and it broke my heart.

 

But there is something I need to say.  Something that I wish he would listen to, although I know he will never hear them (and honestly, I'm becoming ok with that).  I know my husband will read this and wonder why I'd never talked to him about it, and to him I say I'm sorry. I've been trying to paint on a happy face because the whole thing that happened isn't a bad thing by any means.  But it's been eating me alive. 

 

That "friend" basically told me I'm a toxic person who only cares about myself.  And from his point of view, I guess I can see that.  But at the same time, a lot of the things that happened were HIS FAULT just as much as mine.  It was HIS FAULT that he didn't tell the right person about things that were going on. It's HIS FAULT that he used me for his own gains, and in the process it was HIS FAULT that he lost someone he thought was a really good friend.  It wasn't MY fault that he didn't tell that person what they needed to hear. it wasn't MY fault that he used me for a while.  It wasn't MY fault that he was such a horrible human being for such a long time.  So him blaming me pissed me off.  It pisses me off that he's trying to blame ME for what HE did. It's not my fault.  It's HIS, and I just wish he would see that.  I can almost guarantee that he's talking behind my back to people that I am close to, and I just hope that those people know that what he is saying is all slander and venom and hateful words because of something not working out the way he wishes it would.  I guess I will see though. 

 

Honestly, if I lose more friends over this whole thing then so be it.  I still have amazing friends who are there for me through all the crazy crap that has been going on.  I am truly blessed to have them in my life, and if people I think are friends turn on me because of what he has to say, then they aren't really my true friends anyway.

 

I'm doing my best to suck it up and move on.  I know I am SO MUCH BETTER OFF without him in my life, and I don't really miss him anymore.  I just hate the fact that HE is trying to make ME out to be the only one at fault when he is just as guilty as I am.

 

I am not saying I'm perfect, by any means. I know I've fucked up. I Know I've made mistakes.  I KNOW I have a lot to atone for. And I am doing my best each and every day to do that.  I will be doing it for the rest of my life if that's what it takes.  I just hope that people realize that.

 

Anyway, onward.

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

I started "homeschooling" my daughters last week.  I'm using the K12 program, and it's actually pretty darn awesome.  They have ALL KINDS of stuff for them to do, and all kinds of help for me too.  They have life classes, online classes, offline classes, and all kinds of other things.  It's been awesome.  I'm so glad that I'm doing it this year.  We have yet to get into a real routine, but we are doing our best and that's what matters right?

 

I think I may change things up and see if it works.  Might go to one subject a day (unless it's a small one, like spelling. Then I might do spelling and writing or something like that).  That way we can really good and hardcore focus on that subject until they get it fully.  I don't know though. Just have to see what happens I guess.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

It's hard to believe that my youngest is 7 now, and that my oldest is going to turn 12 Sept 5!  EEK!  Getting a little too close to being a teenager for my liking, haha.  It's all good though.  We are making it work as best as we can.

 

Anyway, I'm gonna get off the comp and go get them started on their next lessons.

 

hope everyone has an awesome day
LATER TATER!

Summer's coming to an end

And we are gearing up for the start of the school year.

 

I'm doing the K-12 program with my two girlies this school year.  For those that don't know what K-12 is, it's basically public school at home.  They provide EVERYTHING that you'd need - Books, science materials, art supplies, etc.  You name it, if it's required for a class, they provide it.  Now, you still have to provide the basic school supplies, but everything else comes with it.  It's AWESOME! 

 

And thanks to my AMAZING Mom and Dad, I don't even have to worry about the basic supplies. Seriously, I couldn't ask for better parents.

 

We now officially have all of the supplies that K-12 sends out, and I've got it all organized into the school room.  We have the table and chairs set up, the whiteboard up on the wall, the chalkboard up on the wall, and all the supplies within easy reach.  :)  I used a shoe organizer to organize the smaller stuff, like the dry erase markers, chalk, clay, etc. And then we have a stand alone wardrobe that we are using to store the books.  It looks AWESOME in there. :)  I'm SO excited.  I swear, I'm more excited than my girlies are!

 

School starts August 18 - We are LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY!!  YAY!  Seriously, I've wanted to homeschool for a while now, and we finally got the push to do it when we moved into a different school district - one that is year round (which I REALLY didn't want to have to do, and they also have school uniforms, which I didn't want the girls to have to put up with either).  Yeah, we are in a MUCH smaller house, but we have it set up so that it will be AWESOME!  AND we can go out and do stuff in the yard as the temps get cooler.  And on top of that, during the winter, when it's too cold outside to do anything and the rest of the house is COLD (no central heat and air) the school room will have the heater in it, so we should stay comfy while we do the work. :)  Yes, I've thought it all out, lol.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

Now on to less exciting news.

 

Our car messed up - AGAIN!  SOO, we are without a car for a few days.  Go figure, lol.  At least there's nothing we really HAVE to do right now to use the car.  It just stinks that it's still messed up.

 

And it happened to me on the way to get my hubby from work.  Scared the heck out of me!  But at least we made it home in one piece, lol.  That's what really matters right?  And we will be fine, I'm sure.  Just one of those things.

 

But that's not a bad thing.  That'll give me the time I need to get the rest of the house cleaned and organized.  AND let me get caught up on laundry!  I got my own washer now!  No dryer, but we have a clothes line outside that I hang things up on.  It's AWESOME to be able to do my own laundry!  I can do a load a day, and not have to do a TON on one day.  So excited!  heh.  How sad is that?

 

Anyway, Hope everyone had an awesome day

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Getting things in order

Thanks to my AMAZING Mom and Dad we have all the school supplies we need! Seriously, they came up Saturday and surprised us.  I woke up to a message on Facebook saying "Surprise. Dad and I are on the way up to see you!".  They came up and took us school shopping. We get the majority of the stuff we need to homeschool from K-12, but we needed a few other things. Folders, notebooks, paper, a table and two chairs, as well as a few other things.  They got me two really awesome notebooks to use for grading and scheduling and stuff like that. And they got me a whiteboard and dry erase markers, as well as chalk for my chalkboard I have set up in there.  I know it's gonna be an awesome year.  It's AWESOME!  Seriously, I couldn't ask for more.  And I know the girls will do so much better having one on one learning time with me, and no more bullies or crappy teachers.  It's gonna be an awesome year.

 

But now I'm working on getting the house back in order.  Gotta get the dining room cleaned and organized so we can start school on the 18th.  I'm excited for it. We should be getting the K-12 supplies sometime this week.  So I'm working on getting the dining room organized so we can store it all without having a bunch of stuff scattered around.  I know it's gonna be awesome.

 

We also got a washing machine!  No dryer, but that's ok. I'm gonna hang a line and get some clothespins so we can do laundry and hang it outside to dry.  :)  That makes me happy, cause we won't have to worry about a billion other things having to go to my in-laws house every Sunday.  I'm sure the girls will still go over and hang out, and Ruben and I will use it as a day to really hang out and spend time together. :) 

 

Sometimes I forget how awesome we really have it. Stress likes to shake me up and keep me on my toes.  Like finances right now are a pain in the butt.  But we really just have to make it through this month and then we should be fine.  It's just a pain trying to get through the month ight now.

 

It's all good though. I know we will figure it out.

 

We are going to be getting rid of a TON of stuff the next little while.  We really have way too much stuff in the house right now.  So we are gonna get rid of enough that everything we have in the house fits right.  We can do it, I know we can. I just know it's gonna be a bit of a pain.  I have a hard time getting rid of things. Always have. So I'm gonna need all the help Hubby can give me to get it done.

 

Anyway, I need to get off the computer and get the dining room dine. 

 

Hope everyone has an awesome day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Hooray for the weekend

I am SO glad it's Friday!  Seriously, this week wore me out, and I am EXHAUSTED, both physically and mentally.  I mean, it wasn't a BAD week, but it was exhausting nonetheless.

 

Had my Red Rock appointment (where I was officially diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder - yay, ugh!).  Had one day where we woke up WAY late and got hubby to work LATE.  (Thank goodness that he is 1: on salary, and 2: ok if he's late to a point). I've started really focusing on getting the dining room cleaned and organized for school. I started working on throwing stuff away and organizing the living room today too.  Seriously though, this week was CRAZY!

 

We should be getting their K-12 materials in the next week, so I HAVE to have the dining room/ school room set up so we can organize everything so it's easy to find.  It' hard to believe we are 11 days away from school starting. I'm both nervous and excited. Nervous because it's going to be a change in the way things are done, but excited to see the girls really come into their own in regards to school.  Seriously excited to see how the year goes.  HOPEFULLY it goes as well as I think it's going to go.  HOPEFULLY we can keep doing it. I know it's going to be a good thing, even if we only end up doing it for a year (although I have a feeling it will be till they graduate).  It'll be good to be able to take care of things we need to take care of without having to worry too much, ya know?  Doctors appointments, vacation days, sick days, etc.  That will be a lot easier on me if they have a sick day, cause they can still do their school work while sick now!  No more having to miss a ton of school because they are sick.  That's one of the biggest plus points to me.

 

Still got a long way to go before I'm happy with the whole house. We have to get rid of a TON of stuff to really make everything fit comfortably.  I know I'm gonna have to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and just get it done. It's gonna be hard, but with Hubbies help I know we can get it taken care of.

 

Bout to go fix dinner, then Guild Missions in Guild Wars 2, then probably gonna hang out and spend some one on one time with hubby before we crash out.

 

Hope everyone had an awesome day

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Dear past me......

My life has always been interesting.  There have always been things that were going badly, and also things that were going well.  So this is to my past self....

 

DEAR PAST ME

The things that happened to you are not your fault.  They are a culmination of things in your life.  People, places, things, etc, all ha a part in making you who you are today.

 

You are stronger because of the bad things in your life

 

You are happier because of the good things

 

You have amazing friends and family who are there for you through everything you are going through.   The love you, just the way you are, even when you don't love yourself.

 

And yes, recently you've lost some friends.  But in the grand scheme of things that's not a bad thing. The people you have lost weren't worth having in your life in the first place.  Yes, it is hard. It is EXTREMELY hard.  But you are better off without the fake people in your life.  The ones you have left are huge.  The ones you have left are the people who really matter.  The ones you have left are the ones who still believe in you no matter how crazy life gets.

 

It's ok that it took FOREVER to finally get the diagnosis of Bipolar, and the diagnosis of PTSD.  That is ok.  I know it would have been easier if you'd gotten the diagnosis earlier, but you didn't, and there's no reason to sit and hate yourself for it.  It's ok that you didn't get the diagnosis of MS until you were 30. That's actually average. 

 

Be thankful for those people in your life who really matter. The ones that are there for you when you're being a bitch, or you are super depressed.  The ones that understand that "I'm fine" means so much more than those two words.  The ones that see the beauty in yourself despite the ugly exterior you have painted on to try to push people away.  THEY MATTER THE MOST! They show you how special you are.  They give you a hand up, and a shoulder to cry on.  They sit down beside you (maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally too) when you can't seem to find the strength to stand up.  They are the ones that are there for you when you "jump off that bridge" to save you from yourself.  LOVE THEM!  Show them how much you care because there may come a day when you can't bring yourself to show the words, and they will be able to hear them anyway.

 

<(:)><(:)>(:)>

 

Ok, time to head off to my med appointment.  Hope everyone is having an awesome day.

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

So much going on, so little time

Summer is almost over, and school starts soon.  Since I'm going to be "homeschooling" the girls through the k-12 program, we have been trying to get the house ready.  It hasn't been easy to find places for everything, but we are slowly getting it done.  I know it will be awesome once we finish it.  Just gotta keep the motivation.

 

I was sick all last week, So I wasn't able to really keep up with the house, and you can certainly tell now.  The house is a DISASTER.  So we are spending today trying to at least get some of it beck in order.  Getting some serious work done around the house, and that makes me happy. :)

 

Tomorrow is my Med appointment out at Red Rock. Shouldn't have to change anything this time around. Everything seems to be working pretty well right now, so that's a good thing.  Just gotta be sure to keep up with my meds, cause if I don't I turn into either an uber bitch, or a super depressed mess.  I'm just thankful that Ruben is as understanding of it all like he is. I'd be completely useless if I didn't have the support of my friend and family. Seriously thankful.

 

I'm excited for the chance to "homeschool" the girls. And I keep putting it in quotations because it's basically public school at home.  It's free, and they provide the vast majority of the school supplies.  Even provide stuff for the art classes, science experiments, and other stuff that we wouldn't be able to do. So I'm excited.  It's going to be an awesome year, I can feel it. :)

 

Just cranking up my music and getting stuff done.  Gonna be a good day tater, lol.

 

Hope everyone else has an awesome day too

 

LATER TATER

LYNZ

My response

To some of the most common responses to depression

 

JUST GET OVER IT

if it were that easy don't you think I would have already

 

THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE SICKER THAN YOU WHO DON'T CRY AND COMPLAIN

Yes, but they aren't me.  What I'm dealing with right now makes me cry and complain, but not because I'm weak or looking for attention.  So please, stop saying that.

 

YOU SHOULD GET OUT MORE

Easier said than done when everything in the world seems wrong

 

YOU'RE JUST LAZY

Um, ok. Sure. I don't do ANYTHING all day long but lay around and feel sorry for myself.  Asshole!

 

IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD

That may be, but remember what Dumbledore said in Harry Potter.  Of course it's all in our heads, but that doesn't make it any less real.

 

YOU NEED TO THINK POSITIVE

Believe me, if I could snap my fingers and make everything rainbows and butterflies don't you think I would have by now.

 

YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF YOURSELF AND GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY.

I'll get right on that, after my mind stops making everything in the world the end of the world. If you had a broken leg, would you like it if someone said "You should get out of yourself and go run a marathon"?  Yeah, didn't think so.

 

MEDITATION AND YOGA ARE ALL YOU NEED

If I could get my brain to shut up long enough to meditate that might be true, but alas, I cannot.  So please, keep your hippy dippy stuff to yourself! (lol, I had to!)

 

GET A NEW JOB

Yeah, cause the economy is good enough for that.

 

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL BETTER?

no, I want to feel down and dark the rest of my life. Thanks for asking - idiot!

 

EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS

Yes, and some peoples problems are bigger than others.  Right now, mine are pretty darn big, even though you can't see it and might not understand it.

 

NO ONE EVER SAID THAT LIFE WAS FAIR

I'm not asking for life to be fair. I'm just asking that you support me while my mind thinks EVERYTHING is unfair, k?

 

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I WAS DEPRESSED ONCE FOR SEVERAL DAYS.

Well, you're several days came and went a LONG time ago. I've been depressed for YEARS, so you honestly have NO IDEA how I feel.  Stop trying to make yourself feel better.

 

And that's how I reply to all of those statements. 

 

Depression is not something we choose. It's something we are forced to deal with.  Some handle it better than others, but that doesn't mean any one person is worse than the others. It just means their battle is different. Stop trying to change them.  Be there for them to talk to, or cry on your shoulder, without having any judgment. THAT is what we really need.

 

Hope everyone has an awesome day
LATER TATER
LYNZ

8 Things people say to the mentally ill........

Pardon the language, but this is how I feel too!

...and why you can all go fuck yourselves.          

1. "Everyone has _____________" (mood swings, trouble focusing, anxiety, depression, paranoia etc...).

-No everyone OCCASIONALLY gets that. Like everyone occasionally catches a cold. If your nose was leaking day in/day out EVERY fucking day of your life and someone called you a bitch for complaining about it because "I get sniffles too" you'd also have an attitude.

2. "Well now that you know you have it why don't you just ________________ when you feel it coming on?"

-This is commonly used for things like mood swings, anger, paranoia etc. and it has one fatal flaw. A chronic illness is just that: CHRONIC. It's never "coming on", IT IS ALWAYS ON. When someone has a meltdown it isn't that they were sane a minute ago. It's that they were fighting it and fighting it and fighting it until they broke. It's like the straw that broke the camel's back.

3. "Did you take your meds?"

-This is often used in response to things like arguments, being forgetful or any emotional outburst. Speaking from experience it's really insulting to be considered a hazard. Respond to what I'm doing or saying and if you're using this line as leverage for your argument then I take full responsibility for bitchslapping you. It wasn't the illness.

4. "Every moment spent unhappy is 60 seconds you'll never get back"

-Don't you think I fucking know that? From a neurological standpoint deciding to feel happy makes as much sense as jumping in ice water and deciding to feel warm.

5. "Medication isn't natural/Why don't you look for a natural solution?"

-Why don't you take a shit in the woods? This is the only type of medical problem where you're commonly told to avoid a medical solution. How would you feel if your daughter was killed by an allergic reaction where the people in attendance refused to administer an epipen because "it isn't natural"? X-rays aren't natural, electro-cardiograms aren't natural, penicillin isn't natural! Hell If you're reading this then you have an internet connection and you've missed the boat on natural.

6. "Can't you see that _________ (usually partying, using drugs/alcohol) is just making it worse?"

-If only one thing took your mind off of chronic discomfort you'd still do it even if it made it worse in the long run. When you have an itch do you NEVER scratch it? For the most part when the mentally ill take drugs and alcohol they aren't doing it for fun, they're doing it for distraction and the only thing that creates that distraction is pain. Notice how much of those drugs/alcohol they need? For the most part what they're really doing is cutting. They're trying to create a physical pain to distract from their emotional pains.

7. "I know a few people with _______ and they can control it"

-There's degrees to it; and they're often concurrent. Just because your friend was able to get over his PTSD by taking celexa and doing DBT doesn't mean I owe it to you to be over mine the same way.

8. "Ok today is really important so you need to be..."

-I can't be any less bipolar just because you're catering a wedding. A better way to word that is "Today is really important so how are you feeling? Is there anyone here who triggers you? Did you sleep well? etc.." I'm not saying that it's your responsibility to deal with my issues but if you're gonna make it your business then don't act like you don't have time for me to be ill today. You wouldn't tell someone with Parkinson's that you're taking wedding pics today and that you really need them to stop shaking.
As an addendum I just wanna say that I'm not saying that being mentally ill means that I'm not responsible for my own actions. My emotional state has lost me A LOT of friends, girlfriends, jobs etc.. and looking back I can't really say that I begrudge the ones that left/fired me. I know I'm gonna get a lot of flack for saying this but I think they did the right thing. Nobody owes me the willingness to accept my problems just as I don't owe it to anyone to accept their personality flaws. If I stop being friends with someone because of their addiction then that's my right but statements like these just reinforce some really archaic beliefs.

And last but not least

One I've always regretted leaving out because I've heard it AT LEAST 10 times but only from mental health professionals is

"You gotta want the medication/therapy to work"

-Why? If I took a vaccine or wore a cast would I have to want them to work? And you've figured me out man I just made this appointment, took time off work, drove down here, paid for parking, waited in the lobby and saw you for the three shots of stale/lukewarm coffee in a tiny styrofoam cup. You fucking got me man! I never wanted this to work in the first place!
Thanks again.

Some questions to get your brain working this morning

HERE ARE SOME INTERESTING QUESTIONS TO GET YOUR BRAIN WORKING THIS MORNING, HEHE.  SOME OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY PRETTY INTERESTING TO THINK ABOUT, YA KNOW?

 

Do married people really live longer than single people, or does it just seem longer?

 Does the postman deliver his own mail?

 Why does toilet bowl cleaner only come in the color blue?

 Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?

 If quitters never win, why do they tell us to quit while we're ahead? ...

 Why aren't lawyers sworn in during trials? 

 Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?

 Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space?

 Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

 If something "goes without saying", why do people still say it? 

 How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall, but it's illegal to keep one as a pet?

 Do Dutch people always split the bill? 

 Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

 Why does a dog get mad at you when you blow in his face, but stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?

 If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from? 

 Is it appropriate to say "good mourning" at a funeral?

 If you lick the air, does it get wet? 

 If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

 When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?

 Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 

 Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

 How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? 

 Who coined the phrase, "coined the phrase"?

 

Sorry I disappeared

I know it's been over two weeks since I posted something on here, and for that I'm sorry.  Life just went a little crazy.  Heck, it's still crazy, but that's life right?

 

I've been working on my house, trying to get it cleaned and organized before the end of the month (and with this house, that's going to be a challenge, lol.  It's so much smaller and it's hard finding places for everything.).  And I've been trying to finish getting my girls enrolled in K-12, which is proving to be a challenge all it's own cause they are a little picky about what you submit.  I will get it done, probably tomorrow.  It's just driving me crazy.  I'm excited though.  Excited to be homeschooling them, and excited for all the time I'll get to spend with my littles!  That makes me super happy!  I've wanted to do this for a few years, and this is the first real chance I've had to do so.  So it's going to be a challenge, but it will totally be worth it.

 

I had my Red Rock appointment today.  And they didn't change a lot. Just the med I take for my nightmares, since the other one doesn't seem to be working anymore. I've been having more and more nightmares the last couple weeks.  So that makes me happy that we are able to try something new!

 

I also had a Neurologist appointment last week, and she's pretty sure that I have more lesions from the MS.  She wants me to try to find a way to have another MRI done so we can see for sure.  So i've got to figure that out somehow. I'm pretty sure I can get it done through the MSAA, but we will just have to see what happens  I'm back on my MS meds though, so that helps a TON!  I still have quite a bit of pain, but the gabapentin helps with the nerve pain, so that helps a lot!  I've got to finish my paperwork for disability and get it to my lawyer so we can get the ball rolling on my hearing.  The sooner we can get that taken care of the sooner we can finally get my disability and I can finally get to a regular doctor on a regular basis. That will be a lifesaver!

 

We are planning a BBQ for the first (or maybe second) week of August. It's going to be awesome!  Gonna have friends over, probably play some games, and just hang out and eat awesome food.  I know it's going to be a good end to the summer.

 

We do have some stress going on right now. We are short on being able to pay the Rent for this month, so we are having to figure that out.  It's exhausting, and frankly stresses me out like crazy!  Hubby says I shouldn't worry cause he has back up plans for his back up plans, so I'm trying really hard not to stress out, but it's hard.  I guess we will see what happens.  I have to have faith that it's all going to work out in the end.  :)  I love this house, and would be devastated if we lost it because we couldn't pay the rent for one month.  Cause all we have to do is make it through July and we will be home free.  Guess we will see huh?

 

I've been reading a lot lately.  Been reading the Egyptian novels by Rick Riordian, and they are pretty darn good if you ask me.  I read through the first one pretty quick, and now I'm on to the second one.  There are 3 books out for it right now (I believe that's all there are, I need to look that up).  So I got all 3 the last time I went to the library.  And I also got the spiderwick chronicles first 5 books that I'm going to read after I finish with the Egyptian ones.  Should be pretty good. 

 

This weekend we are going to be playing DC heroes again. I'm excited. I really have a good time playing with friends.  Especially the storyline we are playing now. It's lots of fun. 

 

Today has been crazy with my girlies.  I don't think either one of them slept well last night, and they are both grumpy and fighting with each other a lot.  HOPEFULLY I can get dinner done early and they can go to bed early, cause I can't handle another day like this. Shesh!

 

I've also been playing some Guild Wars 2 mapping out some of the harder areas to map out.  ALMOST done with the one I'm doing now, and then I'll just have one more area in Orr.  Shouldn't be too hard. And they took out the WvW maps, so that makes things a heck of a lot easier.

 

Anyway, it's about time to go get hubby from work. I am SOO glad that he likes his new job, and that some days he gets home pretty early (like today, he will be home before 3:30!).  It makes me happy, and it's helped a TON with my mental issues having him home more in the afternoon/ evenings!  So YAY!

 

Hope everyone has had an awesome 2 weeks. I will try to make sure to post more often. Lets just hope life stops being CRAZY in the meantime!  lol.

 

Anyway

LATER TATER

 

LYNZ

Mental Illness Monday

As someone struggling with Bipolar disorder and PTSD, There are a lot of times and things that people do and say that are the wrong things.

 

"Just snap out of it"

 

"Just be happy"

 

"Stop focusing on it"

 

"Just try to stay distracted and not think about it"

 

"Don't you want to get better"

(that one REALLY bothers me.  If I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away don't you think I would have by now?  I mean, seriously!)

 

"You have everything you need to get better. Why isn't it working?"

(That one bothers me too.  I'm working on it. I'm trying the best I can.  It won't fix itself overnight, and just because I have all the tools I need doesn't mean it's going to fix things.  It will take time, patience, and understanding from everyone if I'm going to get better. Just saying..."

 

"Just pray about it"

(Um, ok, Thanks.  Don't think I pray at all do you?  Thanks for that)

 

"You have the same illness as __________"

(well, good for us?  I don't know how that's supposed to help.)

 

Here is a link to an article that has 9 things to never say to someone with mental illness.  It's a pretty good read. Take a look at it for me and see what it says, k?

 

9 things not to say to someone with a Mental illness

 

Seriously, the stigma around Mental illness is insane!  I had a friend of mine tell me something that makes perfect sense looking back on everything. He said "If you break your arm you go get treatment - a cast- right?  Mental illness is the same way. You go to a psychologist or psychiatrist to get better".  And that makes SO MUCH SENSE!  I mean, you wouldn't just let a broken arm try to heal itself. It would end up HORRIBLE.  You can't expect Mental Illness to just treat itself either.

 

I know that for a fact. I've struggled with it for a good portion of my life.  And no matter how bad I wanted it to just go away, or how I ignored it thinking that if I didn't pay attention to it that it would go away, all it did was get worse.  It got worse and worse until it hit a breaking point.  I ended up suicidal and giving up on life and everything and everyone in it.  I was ready to go because I didn't feel like I would EVER get better. 

Now though, I am on the right path.  I am getting the meds I need, the Therapy to help me cope better, and I have amazing friends and family backing me up on everything. When I'm having a bad day, instead of making me feel WORSE, they are there to support me and make me feel BETTER!  That's HUGE to me after fighting the battle alone for so damn long.

 

What has YOUR experience been with mental illness and other people?

Share your journey in the comments below

 

Hope everyone had an awesome day
LATER TATER
LYNZ

Super Crazy Sunday

SO MUCH GOING ON!  Eek!

 

We've got my brother in law working on the car.  Hubby is painting on a commission minis painting job he's working on. The girls are cleaning their room and the kitchen, and I'm just trying to stay sane.  Sometimes it's crazy just how much crap we can accomplish on any given day.

 

I've still got a LOT to get done this week. Gotta resubmit the girls K-12 stuff cause apparently the pics I sent first aren't good enough.  I've got to go over and pick up a package from the post office. And I've got to get more work done around the house.  We still have quite a bit to get done to get ready for school.  I know it's gonna be awesome though.

 

Don't have a WHOLE lot of fun stuff going on this week.  Just basically gotta do what we gotta do, ya know?  At least we should have the car back up and running tomorrow. AND we should have a working AC in the car again!  That's really great news to me because how heat sensitive I am.

 

And I'm still going to try to take things a little easy this week.  Since next weekend is Soonercon, and I'm going to be volunteering I want to be sure that Physically I'm ready for it.  I know my meds will help with my anxiety, but I want to be sure that my BODY is ready for it, ya know?

 

Tomorrow I'm gonna run over and pick that package up.  Then come home and do some more work on the house.  Gonna work on the house Tue, Wed, and Thur too. HOPEFULLY I can get my bedroom done, and the dining room. Those are my goals for this week.  Then Friday I have two appointments out at Red Rock, and then I'm going over to work at Soonercon.  Gonna work over there Fri, Sat, and Sun. 

 

I still have to take my shot Friday, so HOPEFULLY Saturday isn't quite so bad.  I guess I'll find out though huh? heh.  Just have to see what happens.  I know I will be bringing my cooling vest for any time I have to spend outside.  And I have to find my beret to wear this weekend. That's a big part of what I'm going there for.  Gonna be working with the group from the RMN and RMMC.  If you don't know what that is and you do what to know, just leave a comment or message me (Sillystarryeyes@yahoo.com) and I'll let you know.  It's pretty fun, hehe.

 

Anyway, for now I'm gonna go find something to accomplish.

 

Hope everyone has an awesome day
LATER TATER
LYNZ

Fierce Friday and Silly Saturday

Fierce doesn't even begin to describe yesterday.

 

Now, we've been without a car since last weekend.  The CV axel went out on the car, and the one they got from pull a part didn't work. SOO, we had to wait until we could get another one and have the time to work on it.  Thankfully today that's going to happen. HOPEFULLY they can get it done tonight, cause I'm tired of not having a car.

 

But anyway, Being stuck around the house is always a pain in the butt, especially with two little girls driving me crazy all day, lol.  I spent the day napping and working on my dining room.  I WILL get it done. HOPEFULLY this week, cause I've got to start getting everything together for their school room for when we get started with the K-12 stuff. I'm still super excited about that!  For a couple reasons. The first is that I KNOW they will flourish with learning at home.  They won't have to worry about grumpy teachers or bullies.  They will just have Me and each other and their school work.  AND with K-12 providing everything, that's going to be HUGE for me!  Won't have to come up with my own curriculum at all, which is a good thing with my MS, cause I'm not sure I'd be able to.  I mean, I MIGHT be able to figure something out, but this way I KNOW they are learning everything they need to learn.  That means a lot to me!

 

After hubby got home from work, we tried to play a game and hang out together.  Things didn't work out quite the way we wanted. I'm pretty sure my husband has GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) cause sometimes he gets super anxious about things that normally wouldn't be a big deal.  I wish I could help him, cause I know how it feels to be so anxious all the time about things that really shouldn't be that big of a deal.  HOPEFULLY once he gets on insurance, he can get to a doctor and start getting the help he needs. I know he will be a lot happier after that.

 

Anyway, after that it was hard to console him.  I did the best I could, and I know he appreciates that.  I just wish I could do more.

 

Then last night was a LONG night.  He stayed up all night working on some commission painting he had to get done.  And I ended up staying up until 5 am (Which is CRAZY for me) because of some other stuff.  Nope, not going into details. It's really nobodies business but ours.  We worked through everything, and are better for it today.

 

He's been up since 5:30 yesterday!  I know once he eats dinner he's going to CRASH, and HARD.  But that's ok.  We can sleep in a little tomorrow (past 5:30 that is, lol)

 

Anyway, on to Silly Saturday

 

Starting things off with a long compilation video of silly dogs. Seriously hysterical some of the dogs do what they do.  So laugh away!

 

 

And another one

 

 

It's actually proven that a laugh a day is good for you.  So make sure to watch both videos and laugh away.  It does the body (and soul) good.

 

Anyway, time to be a responsible adult.

 

Hope everyone had an awesome day
LATER TATER
LYNZ

Woo Hoo Wednesday, and Thankful Thursday

Woo Hoo Wednesday

 

lol, I like it.  So sue me, lol. 

 

Anyway, got quite a bit accomplished today.  Got Desi's birth certificate, so now I have everything that I need to finish enrolling the girls in K-12.  Just gotta get good pics and send them in. Then we wait. HOPEFULLY we will know for sure what's up by Wednesday of next week.  I'm excited.  We are gonna have an awesome year.  I can feel it.  And being able to do this makes me super happy.

 

Then I got some work done on the dining room. We have SO MUCH STUFF and nowhere really to put it.  This house is so much smaller than our apartment was, so finding places for everything we want to keep is proving a challenge.  I know eventually we are gonna get a storage building to put out back (we have PLENTY of yard to put one in) to store all the stuff we want to keep but don't have room for in the house.  Collectables and stuff like that mostly. 

 

I just want this house to be DONE, and it's been an uphill battle.  Not having central heat and air means the house warms up pretty good in the afternoons of the summer. And with my MS, Heat makes me feel HORRIBLE.  Gives me a migraine, makes my legs and arms hurt and go weak, and makes my eyes not focus.  So I do what I can when I can, but it doesn't feel like I can do enough right now.  And that frustrates me. I think I'm going manic again, and I guess now is as good a time as any.  The temps this week are supposed to be lower than they have been, so it'll be easier to stay cool. 

 

And I finalized some plans for Soonercon.  It's not this weekend, but it's next weekend! I'm super excited!  I'm going to volunteer to work at the con all 3 days!  Yeah, I'm nervous too though.  I just hope my body, and my anxiety, stay in check.  My friend, and the one I'll be hanging with, is the captain of one of the ships in the fleet for the RMN (Royal Manticorian Navy).  She's awesome, and a lot of fun to be around. And she is VERY professional and a very get it done type, so that will be great.  It will help keep me busy, and still let me do things and see people that I want to see.  So that's gonna be awesome!  I just have to figure out the RMMC costume that I'm going to wear.  Gotta figure out SOMETHING to wear.  I know we are supposed to wear black pants, green shirt, black shoes, and our Beret.  And she's got a patch that I can put on mine for the weekend, so that'll help.  Just have to see what I can come up with.  If I can't figure anything out, I'll just have to wear something that KINDA works.  Guess we will see.

 

Anyway, that was my Wednesday

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

Thankful Thursday

 

I know I did Thankful Tuesday, but I want to do another thankful day today. 

 

Today I am thankful that my husband found a new job that he actually really likes.  It's nice to see him come home NOT angry at the world cause he had to deal with BS at his job again.  He's driven on his own a few times, and is starting to get used to being behind the wheel of the box truck, which makes me happy.  And yeah, I've had to give him directions, but it's worked out.  Thank goodness for the cell phone, lol.

 

Today I am thankful for air conditioning.  It's just a window unit, but it helps keep me cool enough that the MS doesn't get TOO bad.  At least it didn't today cause it was cooler than it has been. When the temp gets over 90 it gets a little warm, but then I just shut the bedroom door and turn the lights off and it seems to help. 

 

Today I am thankful that my daughters can stay occupied for HOURS, lol.  They played Skylanders today for quite a while, and they got along and really played well.  And that always makes me happy.

 

Today I am thankful for my youngest wanting to learn how to cook. She is such an amazing little soul, and I'm happy that she's found something that she really enjoys doing.  I know she will grow up to be an amazing little cook. :)

 

Today I am thankful that my oldest helps keep up with the house the way she does.  I couldn't do it on my own, so it's nice to have the help during the day.

 

Today I am thankful for the group of friends that I have.  They are all understanding with the MS, BP, and PTSD.  They remind me that everything will be ok as long as I keep fighting.  And they are right there on the front lines with me. And so is my Husband. And that's a huge thing to me.  SOO thankful for them all.

 

Okie dokie, that's all for today.

Hope everyone had an AWESOME day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Gotta get motivated

With my MS, it's REALLY hard to get up and get motivated to exercise.  I am by no means fat.  I am at 150 lbs, which is pretty good considering just 6 months ago I was 160 - and for me with the MS losing 10 lbs isn't too shabby.  But I want to lose more. I have another 10 lbs AT LEAST that I want to lose, and preferably another 20.

 

That being said, I'm trying really hard to find things that I can still do with my MS.  Some days I do good just to stand upright while walking and not falling into things, so finding exercises I can still do on those days has been a struggle.  If you guys have any ideas, please let me know!  I am willing to try anything once.  I just need SOMETHING that I can still do, ya know?

 

I saw a picture that cracked me up while looking at "thinspo" (thin inspiration).  No, I REFUSE to have another eating disorder.  But I've been looking at exercise sites and stuff like that for help.

 

Anyway, this is the pic:



 

That's something that I have a REALLY hard time with some days.  I hate feeling like I use my MS as an excuse, but every time I try something on a bad day I just can't do it.

 

SOOO, I have been looking long and hard for things that I can still do with MS.  Things like Yoga, and Pilates.  I may not be able to do ALL of them every day, but to have SOMETHING to do each and every day is important to me.  I WILL lose these last few pesky pounds!  I WILL. And I will do it in a healthy way. I will not be anorexic again. I will not be bulimic.  I will be healthy and happy. 

 

I think my best course of action right now is to use the energy I have to keep working on the dining room. Cleaning and organizing is good exercise, especially when it doesn't feel like I can do much more.  AND I feel accomplished at the end of the day cause something got done, lol.  SOO, I'm gonna get off the computer and off my butt and get to work on the dining room some more.

 

Wish me luck.

I feel I'm gonna need it, lol.

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Thankful Tuesday

There is a lot to be thankful for right now.

 

First, I am thankful for my brother in law and the fact my husband and him work at the same place. Our car died (at least for a few days) and we had no way to get Hubby to work.  But since my brother in law and him work at the same place, he has been able to bum a ride from him.  That's HUGE!  Otherwise, we would be up shit creek without a paddle, so to speak. Ya know?

 

I am thankful for the gaming group I am a part of - the RMN (RMMC for me, hehe) Which stands for Royal Manticore Navy, and Royal Manticore Marine Corp.  It's a fan group that does things that have to do with the Honor Harrington books. It's a lot of fun, and always good to hang out with people who enjoy the same things as you.

 

I'm thankful that that group is going to find a place for me to work at Soonercon. I'll get to enjoy some of the stuff that happens, but I'll be able to prove to myself that I can still do things like that.  It's been a LONG time since I've done anything like that, so I'm nervous!  But one of my other friends in the same group, and in my regular gaming group (we Roll Play DC Heroes together, as well as play tabletop games together) has faith that I will be fine, lol.  I'm sure I will be ok, but thinking about it with the MS and being out and about most of the day has me a little nervous. 

 

I am thankful for how hard my husband works to keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs.  It's a HUGE deal to me that he works jobs that he doesn't really like to provide for us. Although, he really does seem to enjoy the job he has now - even the long annoying days.

 

I am thankful for my daughters and how much they've been helping around the house the last couple weeks.  I'm super excited at the prospect of getting to homeschool them!  It makes me super happy to know that I'll be able to help them out and spend more time with them.  AND we are getting to do it for Free through the K-12 program!  YAY!  Just gotta wait for my youngests birth certificate to come in and I will have all the proof I need. :)  YAY!

 

Despite how crappy it makes me feel, I am thankful for my MS medication.  It may make me miserable for 24 hours, but it is keeping my MS from getting worse, and that means EVERYTHING to me.  My next neurologist appointment is July 1, so we shall see what she has to say.

 

I am thankful for Red Rock.  They have literally saved my life when I thought I couldn't go on anymore.  They provide me the medication that keeps me sane, lol.  They have kept my anxiety in check, and have kept my depression in check too.   It means a lot to me that I can function again.  So seriously thankful.  And thankful for my caseworker over there too, Katyln McGrath (sp?)  She is awesome, and truly cares what happens to me.  And that means a lot to me too!

 

Ok, time to get off the computer and get some more work done on the Dining room. 

 

Hope everyone has an awesome day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Just another Manic Monday

made even more fun by MANIA!

Yep, I'm manic.  My brain is going a bazillion miles an hour, and even though my body can't really keep up, it sure is trying. I know I'll regret this later.  But alas, this is life for today, lol

 

I'm trying to find something that I have NO IDEA where it got put.  I'm trying to get some work done on my Dining room (soon to be the game room/ school room).  And just trying to keep my brain from getting too distracted and making me get NOTHING done.

 

My body is a brat right now.  My legs hurt, my arms are weak, my eyes won't cooperate, I have a headache, and I just want to lay down and sleep some, but my brain won't really let me.

 

Oh well.

 

Working out some details with one of the other people I know.  We are discussing Soonercon, which isn't this weekend, but next weekend.  I think I'm going to volunteer and get a ticket that way.  And We can buy Ruben a one day ticket to come out on Saturday.  I think it will be a lot of fun. :)

 

Just gotta work out details and see what happens from there.  Gotta get a babysitter for the girls for Friday at least, cause Ruben will be working.  SOO, yeah.  Gonna have to figure that all out.

 

But anyway, I'm gonna get back to work. Might write a little more later if I can get my brain to slow down enough to catch some of the things running around in my head.

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

awarness Sunday

Today I am posting about something that needs to be talked about. Something that so many run away from because they don't understand it, and therefore fear it.

 

It is Depression.  It is Suicide.  It is the darkest place you can imagine, and it's something that you can't fight alone.

 

7 months ago I was suicidal.  I wanted to die. I felt broken, and like a burden, and like it was making everyone elses life worse by having me in it.  I thought the world would be better off if I wasn't here anymore.  I fought with the feelings, and had even worked out the plan on how I was going to take my own life. I was ready to go, and I was strangly at peace with that decision.

 

Thankfully my friends KNEW something was up. One even came over and talked me down, physically fighting me for the things I was going to use.  He showed me that he cared, when I thought that nobody should.  My husband has been amazing support since then - since I was able to actually tell him how I was feeling and what was going on.  My daughters have been the light of my life, and show me every single day that I am NOT broken - I am MOM, and that's HUGE!

 

Somewhere in the world, someone takes their own life ever 30 seconds.

 

Think about that for a minute.

 

That's 2 people a minute, 120 people an hour, and 2880 people a day!

That is 1,051,200 a year!

 

That is a HUGE number.  And a lot of it is because those people feeling that way feel alone. They feel like they have nobody to talk to, and nobody who will take the time to understand and help.  Trust me, I've been there.  Thankfully I've made it out the other side.  Thankfully I am still getting help. Red Rock has been HUGE in my recovery.  I get the medicine I need, and the therapy too.  It makes such a difference in my life, because I finally can see all the people in my life who truly care.  That's something I was afraid of for the longest time.  I didn't think anybody really truly cared.  I thought they were just saying it because they didn't want to be responsible for anything that I might do.

 

I hope this opens your eyes.  I hope you can be there for anybody in your life that may be dealing with severe depression.  Believe me, sometimes all they need is a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. You don't have to fix them. You don't have to offer suggestions.  You just have to be there.  You just have to show them that you care, in whatever way you can.

 

Thank you So much to those in my life who have shown me that.  Ruben, Heather, and James to name a few.  It means the world to me that you are there for me!  Never forget that!

 

And know I am here for you too, if you ever need me.

 

I hope this opens your eyes.

 

And I hope you had an awesome day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

another long week is kicking my butt

But I'm gonna write more anyway, heh

 

Gonna HOPEFULLY catch up on all the day's I've missed.

 

Starting with Super Sunday

 

Sunday was a good day. Hung out with Hubby and just enjoyed the day.  We did a few things that we wanted to do, which is always a fun thing.  Not too much more to say though, so moving on.

 

Manic Monday

 

Monday meant another day for Hubby at his new job.  Still taking a bit of time to get used to being up that early, but I know we will get there.  This is a GREAT thing for us, and I know it will be a good thing for sure!

 

Thankful Tuesday

 

Today I am thankful for my amazing friends and family who actually give a damn about what happens to me and mine.  Who call, or message, when I need someone to talk to.  Who remind me that I'm special and unique when all I feel is broken.  Who remind me that life is so much better than we give it credit for some days.  Who make me smile when I just want to cry, and who let me cry on their shoulders when I just can't hold it in anymore.  Thank you all so much!

 

Wonderful Wednesday

 

Today was hubbies first day driving by himself at the new job.  I'm just thankful that we have a good cell phone, cause he had to call me quite a bit to help him find where he needed to go next. And I was more than happy to help him. I know we need to get him a GPS system soon though, so he doesn't have to deal with feeling so long so much. 

 

Thursday

 

He had to drive alone again today, and had to call me quite a bit to find where he was going. BUT it was a short day, and he got to come home EARLY, which was awesome.  We played some more Castlevania Lords of Shadow and ate a yummy dinner.  It was a great day/ night.

 

My oldest and I had Red Rock appointments too.  She had therapy, and I had my med appointment.  And he upped my meds AGAIN!  I still take Buspar 4x a day, and a nightmare med at night.  But he upped my Zoloft to the max he puts it at, and upped my Quentiapine (sp?) to 400mg at night.  I just hope this helps, cause I really don't want to have to up them anymore.  Seriously, not at all!

 

Friday

 

Hubby had to ride with someone today, and they didn't even get to leave the yard till after 8am (when he has to be there at 6:30).  And it was a LONG day. He didn't get off work till 6pm!  We knew there would be days like that, but they are still blah anyway.

 

And it was my shot day too.  We played a little Castlevania before I took my shot, and then I went to bed.  My shot makes me fee SO YUCKY so fast!  I get a killer migraine, and fully body aches that make it hard to even move, let alone be productive, ya know?  So I went to bed and slept through MOST of the side effects. Still woke up with a killer migraine though, which always sucks.  Got up and took my meds, and now that they've kicked in it's not QUITE as bad. 

 

Saturday

 

Today Hubby and his brother went out to Pull A Part to get some parts for the car that we need.  A sensor, the blower fan for the AC (YAY AC!!), the CV joint, and the brake caliper and rotor so we can get the tire fixed!  Still gonna have to replace the tire, cause they didn't have one of ours out there, but that's ok.  We should have a good running car again SOON!  YAY!

 

I'm hoping to get to go out to a BBQ that some friends of mine are having, but I don't know if Ruben wants to go or not, so IDK.  Guess we will see right?

 

All  in all, today has been a pretty good day so far. :)

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

There, caught up. Sorry some days were shorter than others.  I've been Manic and haven't really been able to deal with my mind cause it's going so darn fast it's hard to catch a subject. SOO writing that, even though it was just a little, was a huge chore.  Could be worse though, ya know?

 

Anyway, Hope everyone has/ had an awesome day!
LATER TATER
LYNZ