I have - not I am

I have Multiple Sclerosis.  I SUFFER from Multiple Sclerosis.  But Multiple Sclerosis is not who I am.  Yes, it affects my life in a HUGE way.  I can't feel my legs most of the time, and when I can it's usually because they are hurting like crazy.  They go weak, or they tingle, or they are pins and needles.  My eyes don't focus on the same things at the same time.  You can see it in most pictures that I take - my left eye always looking off to the side instead of at the camera.  BUT, that is not who I am. 

 

I have Rapid Cycling Bipolar disorder.  I SUFFER from Rapid Cycling Bipolar disorder.  But rapid cycling bipolar disorder is not who I am.  Yes, it too affects my life in a HUGE way.  My moods will swing, sometimes multiple times a day. I go through the highest of highs, and the lowest/ darkest of lows. Like right now - I am in a very deep low point.  Sometimes it is hard to even get out of bed, let alone ADULT.  Sometimes I get angry at the smallest of things, and cry at the drop of a hat. BUT, that is not who I am.

 

I have PTSD.  I SUFFER from PTSD.  But PTSD is not who I am.  Yes, it affects my life in a HUGE way as well.  I have nightmares (thank goodness my nightmare med seems to have that at bay, at least for now).  I have flashbacks.  I have a hard time some days being close to those around me for some irrational fear that it will happen again.  I have severe anxiety, not just because of that but PTSD definitely doesn't help that.  BUT, PTSD is not who I am.

 

I am a mother.  I am a Wife. I am a friend.  I am a daughter.  I am a learning coach for my daughters, and a gaming buddy for my hubby and friends.  I am a writer, and an artist, and a musician.  I am a HUMAN BEING, not the diseases I suffer from.  Sometimes I lose sight of that.  Sometimes I feel like the diseases take control and there's nothing I can do but hold on for dear life until things stop spinning.  But thanks to the amazing friends and family, I am slowly starting to see that as well.  It's ok to feel down.  It's ok for my moods to swing.  It's ok for me to say NO I can't do that today.  It's ok to admit that I'm overwhelmed. 

 

But the one that I will NEVER do is give up. I will NOT let the diseases win.  I will keep fighting.  I WILL FIND THE LIGHT in the darkness.  I WILL!

 

I just needed to remind myself of that tonight.  It's been a long emotional day.  The depression is overwhelming sometimes.  But I KNOW I am worth it.  I KNOW I have a reason, a purpose, a goal.  And that goal is to make tomorrow better than today - however I have to do that.

 

I hope everyone had a good day

LATER TATER
LYNZ