What is ''Normal'' anyway?

With my MS, that's a question I often ask myself.

What is "normal"

What does it mean to be "normal"

Sometimes that is a really difficult question to answer, isn't it?  Because to some people, it's size 1, perfect boobs and butt, and being able to go 24 hours a day with very little sleep.  To others, it's just being able to make it through the day and do the things that you NEED to do.  That, dear friends, is where I am at.  I just want to be able to do what I need to do without having to fight through it every single day.  To be able to wake up in the morning without being in pain.  I want to be able to walk for more than a few steps without needing a cane at 31. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I know there are people out there that are in FAR worse conditions than I am.  People fighting for their lives every single day.  I try to remember that when I am having a bad day.  I try to remember how blessed I am, and how good things really are.

I have amazing friends.

I have a wonderful family.

I still have my life.

I won't die from this.

I still live, every day.

And I try to live to the fullest.

I just wish it were a little easier to do sometimes.

Crazy life is crazy

The last little while has been CRAZY.  Lots of appointments.  Hubby had to work 7 day work weeks for over a month.  My youngest has been doing OK in school, but my oldest has been struggling.  So we've had to really focus and work on bringing her grades up.  We only have a few more days to do it too!  So we are kinda having to rush through and get things done.  School is over May 20th!  So that's as long as she has.  So yeah, fun.

My oldest has been doing better mentally at least.  Her meds seem to be working.  Her depression and anxiety are getting considerably better.  I hate that she has to deal with all that jazz.  At least I knew what to do when I found out, and she's been getting the help she needs.  Med appointments with an amazing youth psychologist.  Therapy with an amazing therapist (the one who diagnosed my PTSD).  And being able to talk about anything she needs to talk about without being judged.  (She didn't believe that would happen just a few short months ago).  

My hubby has to work today.  Should only be half a day, so hopefully that works out.  And I need to focus on cleaning the house.  My friend Heather is going to come over Tuesday!  Been a while since I've gotten to hang out with her!  So that makes me super happy, hehe.

I've been a co-owner in  a help group on Facebook.  And it's been an amazing help.  Being able to help others, and talk about things I need to talk about, has been so amazing.  If anybody needs some help with mental stuff, let me know.  I can add you to it. .

Ok, time to get hubby up and get this day started.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  Crazy life is crazy.

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Hope everyone has an awesome day!

Rough days are rough

Today has been a very rough day.

I got a call this morning letting me know that Hubby's grandma passed away last night. :( 

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't really know her all that well.  I'd only met her like twice.  But with how empathetic I am, it hit me - and it hit HARD.

I've spent a good couple hours crying off and on all day.

And to make things even better, My MS has been acting up pretty bad.  I've been stumbling all day long, even though there's nothing to stumble over.  So frustrating.

Sorry I haven't been posting all that much.  Just been STUPID busy.

My disability hearing is finally scheduled, and we are just over a month away from it.  It's April 14. EEK!  Got a lot of things to get together between here and there.  I just hope it works out, cause I am so tired of fighting.

I think with the MS diagnosis and my Neurologist backing me up, and the PTSD and Bipolar disorder and my mental health team backing me up, it SHOULDN'T be that difficult.  But they are calling in the idiot doctor that said I wasn't disabled over a year ago (and things have only gotten worse since then) so he doesn't know the whole story.  Just, ugh.  Bundle of nerves over here.

At least Hubby will be able to take off so he can be there with me. 

I have an appointment Wednesday with my lawyer.  Gonna go over what to expect and all that jazz. I totally trust the law group I hired.  They handled my car accident case that happened a few years back, and they even took a cut in their pay to make sure we got a good settlement out of the whole thing.  And the Woman in charge (Emily) is pretty darn awesome.  SOO, yeah.  That's happened.

Anyway, i'm gonan go take a good hot bath and try to get a good nights sleep.

LATER TATER
LYNZ

This was written over on elephantjournal.com, and I think it is BEAUTIFUL!  So i am sharing it here, because I feel EVERYONE needs to read this!  EVERYONE!

This is for the Tough Days.

Via Sarah Harvey on Feb 5, 2015

This is for the days when our hearts hurt like hell, pulsating with a fierce, fiery pain.

This is for the days when we bite back tears, trying too hard to swallow them whole.

This is for the days when our souls feel heavy, so we slump our tired shoulders down, down, down.

This is for the days when getting out of bed feels like a bad-ass, award-winning achievement.

This is for the days when we tremble with anger, our temper on super-short hairline-triggers.

This is for the days when we feel empty, useless and invisible, like a hungry ghost.

Yes.

This is for those really tough days.

The days that rip us wide open, leaving us naked and exhausted, shivering in the dark.

The days where we just want to give up.

The days where we want to run far, far, away.

But, we can’t.

We can’t run. Or hide. Or give up.

Because if we did, the only person we would be running from is ourselves.

We would be giving up on ourselves.

Hiding from ourselves.

So, yes, we can try to bail and haphazardly fling ourselves under a fast-moving bus when the going gets tough.

But the thing is—we actually need ourselves the most on those f*cking tough, trying and terrible days.

Let’s stay.

Let’s stick it out.

We don’t need to understand what we’re feeling.

We don’t need to analyze it.

We just need to stay and support the sh*t out of ourselves.

How?

What can we do?

We can be bold and dive right into the toughness of the day, feeling the icy water drip into our hearts, freezing to form incredibly beautiful icicles.

We can run directly towards ourselves, sprinting with wide open arms, a supportive smile and a glass of succulent red wine.

We can buy our battered souls a big bouquet of blossoming flowers.

We can clear a space and cry a thousand crystalline drops till the skies clear and our salty tear-rain has passed.

We can run our soul a frothy bubble bath, slip into mile-high lavender bubbles and take a breath.

We can retreat from the world, burrow under our covers, sigh, moan and just hurt.

We can ask ourselves, “What can I do for you right now?”

We can be really ballsy, wear our heart on our sleeve and ask a trusted friend for an extra-large serving of support.

We can curl up in child’s pose and cry into our yoga mats.

We can write, paint, dance and sing our hurt, our passionate pain, our wicked grief, and express it no-holds-barred, creating magical art from our madness.

We can cue up an angsty, melancholy playlist and sob or scream or tremble till our hearts slip into a soothed state.

We can reach out, take our own hand and squeeze it hard.

Yes.

There are a thousand beautiful things we can do to support ourselves.

So let’s vow now to never, ever abandon our sweet selves again.

Ever.

Because, yes, some days are incredibly tough.

But they can be really juicy, too.

They can be transformative.

They can be beautiful.

They can be filled with inspiration.

They can be chock-full of creativity.

They can be exactly what we need.

So, let’s be bold and stick around.

Let’s be badass and meet those tough days head on.

<(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)><(:)>

I am trying, I promise, to find the good things in life.  I'm fighting through my depression, my mixed state, my mania.  I am fighting through the suicidal thoughts.  I am fighting through all the bad things that keep creeping into my brain and screaming at me that they will help.  I am taking my meds, finding things to keep me distracted, and always looking for the light in the darkness.  Sometimes it's hard.  Actually, MOST times it is SOOO hard.  The light is just a tiny speck, smaller than a star in the sky, and the darkness is overwhelming and exhausting.

BUT  I WILL get through this!  

I will be here tomorrow

and the day after

I will find the good in life

I will survive the bad

I will be the light in the darkness

I will show my kids that we are stronger than this

And we will be HAPPY!

It might take a little while

it might take EVERY SINGLE OUNCE of our strength

But we WILL do it!

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP

I hope everyone has a good day.

LATER TATER
LYNZ

I have - not I am

I have Multiple Sclerosis.  I SUFFER from Multiple Sclerosis.  But Multiple Sclerosis is not who I am.  Yes, it affects my life in a HUGE way.  I can't feel my legs most of the time, and when I can it's usually because they are hurting like crazy.  They go weak, or they tingle, or they are pins and needles.  My eyes don't focus on the same things at the same time.  You can see it in most pictures that I take - my left eye always looking off to the side instead of at the camera.  BUT, that is not who I am. 

 

I have Rapid Cycling Bipolar disorder.  I SUFFER from Rapid Cycling Bipolar disorder.  But rapid cycling bipolar disorder is not who I am.  Yes, it too affects my life in a HUGE way.  My moods will swing, sometimes multiple times a day. I go through the highest of highs, and the lowest/ darkest of lows. Like right now - I am in a very deep low point.  Sometimes it is hard to even get out of bed, let alone ADULT.  Sometimes I get angry at the smallest of things, and cry at the drop of a hat. BUT, that is not who I am.

 

I have PTSD.  I SUFFER from PTSD.  But PTSD is not who I am.  Yes, it affects my life in a HUGE way as well.  I have nightmares (thank goodness my nightmare med seems to have that at bay, at least for now).  I have flashbacks.  I have a hard time some days being close to those around me for some irrational fear that it will happen again.  I have severe anxiety, not just because of that but PTSD definitely doesn't help that.  BUT, PTSD is not who I am.

 

I am a mother.  I am a Wife. I am a friend.  I am a daughter.  I am a learning coach for my daughters, and a gaming buddy for my hubby and friends.  I am a writer, and an artist, and a musician.  I am a HUMAN BEING, not the diseases I suffer from.  Sometimes I lose sight of that.  Sometimes I feel like the diseases take control and there's nothing I can do but hold on for dear life until things stop spinning.  But thanks to the amazing friends and family, I am slowly starting to see that as well.  It's ok to feel down.  It's ok for my moods to swing.  It's ok for me to say NO I can't do that today.  It's ok to admit that I'm overwhelmed. 

 

But the one that I will NEVER do is give up. I will NOT let the diseases win.  I will keep fighting.  I WILL FIND THE LIGHT in the darkness.  I WILL!

 

I just needed to remind myself of that tonight.  It's been a long emotional day.  The depression is overwhelming sometimes.  But I KNOW I am worth it.  I KNOW I have a reason, a purpose, a goal.  And that goal is to make tomorrow better than today - however I have to do that.

 

I hope everyone had a good day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Secrets

Before you start thinking this is about something that's going on now, let me just put your mind at ease.  This is just something that's been on my mind a lot lately, so I thought I would share some of my thoughts about it.

 

It may be a trigger for some people.  So if it is, please don't continue.  I don't want to cause anybody any trouble.

 

It's about cutting.

 

Now, I know a lot of people think that cutting is a suicide attempt gone wrong.  But let me tell you, it is not.  A lot of people think it's for attention, but they are wrong. Why would you think it's for attention when those that do it HIDE the wounds they leave? It's about release. It's about being overwhelmed, and not being able to find anything else that helps.  So you take out that blade, and drag it across your skin till it breaks and bleeds. And as soon as you see that red start to appear, all the overwhelming emotions and thoughts just seem to fade away.

 

It's really hard to explain to someone who has never done it how much self-injury can help when you're in the middle of an overwhelming emotional/mental crisis.  But it's an addiction.  It's something that is HARD to stop once you start.  It's something that you need help to move past. You need the ability to control those emotions and thoughts.  DO NOT be ashamed of it.  DO ask for help.  I promise, those that care for you - though they may not understand it - will be willing to help! I am so blessed.  I cut for such a long time, and have the scars as a constant reminder.  But thanks to my amazing husband and an amazing friend, I haven't cut in months. 

 

And don't be ashamed of your scars either. Scars simply mean that something tried to kill you and FAILED! 

 

I'm going to share some songs about it.

Take a listen to them.

If you do Self Injure, you will relate to a lot of them

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am SO thankful for my husband and my friends, who have been here for me through this journey.  Who have been there to keep me sane, and grounded, and centered, when all I wanted to do was grab my blades and run.

 

And I an thankful for my mental health team, who have been there for me to help me find meds that help me stay more sane.  For not judging me when I told them about my self-injury.  It really means the world to me.

 

And I am thankful for the people I've met online through random support groups and Facebook pages.  One I just met yesterday I think.  I had posted about wanting to buy a bravelet (For those that don't know, check out Bravelets) but that I couldn't yet cause I couldn't afford it.  I told them about the fact I've tried to commit suicide, and I still fight with my depression and anxiety.  And she contacted me telling me that she would be HAPPY to buy one for me.  That made me cry so hard that someone I didn't even really know AT ALL was willing to do that for me!  SO thankful.

 

Anyway, I just needed to post about that.  Sometimes talking about it is SUPER hard, but maybe my story will help others, and that's something that I try to do every single day through this journey.

 

Hope everyone had an awesome day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Life and all it's twists and turns

The last couple weeks have been CRAZY!  Getting ready to start school - and getting everything set up.  Thanks to my parents we have everything we need, and all I had to do was come home and organize it all.  And man was that a chore.  But we got it done.

 

We started school last Tuesday - the 18th.  Considering I've never done the homeschool thing before, it's been interesting to say the least.  Helping the girls figure things out, doing science experiments, helping with math that even I can't figure out sometimes (although, thanks to the learning coach guides it's been a bit easier).  So far the girls are doing pretty good, and that makes me happy. :)  I'm so glad that I have the chance to do this now.  I love the extra time with the girls, and I love watching them learn and grow. 

 

I've also been trying to get the house cleaned and organized when I can.  There is so much that I have to do to get the house DONE, but we are getting there.  It's REALLY slow, but we are making progress, and that's what matters right?

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

I've started reading the Maze Runner books.  I've read the first two already, and I'm on the 3rd one.  It's interesting seeing all the differences in the book.  The movie was good, don't get me wrong. But they changed a LOT.  I'm interested to see what the do with the next movie.  Now I'm on the 3rd book, and so far it's pretty good. I'm not super far into it yet, but I'm enjoying them a lot. :)  I'm thankful for the digital download options with the library system.  I can read a lot of books without having to actually go to the library.  And that's awesome for me, lol.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

I'm still fighting with a lot of different emotions and questions.  But I think I'm finally hitting a point of acceptance.  Those "friends" who have turned on me aren't really worth my time anymore. They aren't worth me fretting over.  If they can't accept me for what I am, and who I am, then they can fuck off.  I'm better without them in my life.  It's still hard to deal with sometimes, but I know that it's for the best.  I am growing and becoming a better person each and every day, and I don't need that negativity in my life anymore.  I need to focus on the positive things in my life, and leave all the negativity behind me.  And that's what I'm striving to do each and every day. Those friends who are still here for me are the TRUE friends. They are the ones that pick me up when I fall down. They are the ones that understand that sometimes I can be difficult, but they are still there to help me through it all.  And that means the world to me.  I can't wait until I can visit them again.  It's been way too long!  At least I know they are still there for me when I do finally get to see them again.

 

Hopefully that can happen soon.  I'm homesick like crazy.  I miss my family. I miss my friends.  I miss the riverfront.  I miss creakmore park.  I miss all the crazy little things in Fort Smith.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Oklahoma City.  I love the zoo, the waterfront, the canal, Draper Park, shopping at the malls and the outlet shoppes.  I love it here. I love our house. I love downtown.  I seriously love the city. But I sometimes miss the quiet of living in a smaller town.  I sometimes miss the fact I could get from one side of the city to the other in 20 mins.  In OKC, getting from one side of the city to the other takes AT LEAST 30 mins, and usually more like 45 mins to an hour.  Don't get me wrong, I don't HATE it.  It's just nice to be able to get to where you need to get in a shorter amount of time, lol.

 

Anyway, it's time for me to do dinner, take my shot, take a shower, and get to bed.  So I'm out for the night.  I hope everyone had an awesome day.

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ