Life and all it's twists and turns

The last couple weeks have been CRAZY!  Getting ready to start school - and getting everything set up.  Thanks to my parents we have everything we need, and all I had to do was come home and organize it all.  And man was that a chore.  But we got it done.

 

We started school last Tuesday - the 18th.  Considering I've never done the homeschool thing before, it's been interesting to say the least.  Helping the girls figure things out, doing science experiments, helping with math that even I can't figure out sometimes (although, thanks to the learning coach guides it's been a bit easier).  So far the girls are doing pretty good, and that makes me happy. :)  I'm so glad that I have the chance to do this now.  I love the extra time with the girls, and I love watching them learn and grow. 

 

I've also been trying to get the house cleaned and organized when I can.  There is so much that I have to do to get the house DONE, but we are getting there.  It's REALLY slow, but we are making progress, and that's what matters right?

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

I've started reading the Maze Runner books.  I've read the first two already, and I'm on the 3rd one.  It's interesting seeing all the differences in the book.  The movie was good, don't get me wrong. But they changed a LOT.  I'm interested to see what the do with the next movie.  Now I'm on the 3rd book, and so far it's pretty good. I'm not super far into it yet, but I'm enjoying them a lot. :)  I'm thankful for the digital download options with the library system.  I can read a lot of books without having to actually go to the library.  And that's awesome for me, lol.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

I'm still fighting with a lot of different emotions and questions.  But I think I'm finally hitting a point of acceptance.  Those "friends" who have turned on me aren't really worth my time anymore. They aren't worth me fretting over.  If they can't accept me for what I am, and who I am, then they can fuck off.  I'm better without them in my life.  It's still hard to deal with sometimes, but I know that it's for the best.  I am growing and becoming a better person each and every day, and I don't need that negativity in my life anymore.  I need to focus on the positive things in my life, and leave all the negativity behind me.  And that's what I'm striving to do each and every day. Those friends who are still here for me are the TRUE friends. They are the ones that pick me up when I fall down. They are the ones that understand that sometimes I can be difficult, but they are still there to help me through it all.  And that means the world to me.  I can't wait until I can visit them again.  It's been way too long!  At least I know they are still there for me when I do finally get to see them again.

 

Hopefully that can happen soon.  I'm homesick like crazy.  I miss my family. I miss my friends.  I miss the riverfront.  I miss creakmore park.  I miss all the crazy little things in Fort Smith.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Oklahoma City.  I love the zoo, the waterfront, the canal, Draper Park, shopping at the malls and the outlet shoppes.  I love it here. I love our house. I love downtown.  I seriously love the city. But I sometimes miss the quiet of living in a smaller town.  I sometimes miss the fact I could get from one side of the city to the other in 20 mins.  In OKC, getting from one side of the city to the other takes AT LEAST 30 mins, and usually more like 45 mins to an hour.  Don't get me wrong, I don't HATE it.  It's just nice to be able to get to where you need to get in a shorter amount of time, lol.

 

Anyway, it's time for me to do dinner, take my shot, take a shower, and get to bed.  So I'm out for the night.  I hope everyone had an awesome day.

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Time to get real

I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

 

That means I experience the ups and downs a lot more often than those with either bipolar I or bipolar II.  I deal with moodswings every single day, usually multiple times a day.  Along with that, I have extended periods of depression (usually lasting anywhere from one full week, to as long as a month), and extended periods of mania (lasting anywhere from 3-4 days, to as long as two weeks).  It can be EXHAUSTING dealing with it myself, so I can only imagine how difficult it is for those around me.  I try my best to take my meds as prescribed, and to be aware of the moodswings as they happen, but sometimes it's really hard to understand.  I can be fine one moment, happy even, and the very next moment something will set me off and I'm so pissed off that I can't see anything but red, and then then very next moment I'm bawling on the couch crying on my husbands shoulder.  And most of the time, I don't have any clue what set me off or why it's happening.

 

That's the REAL truth of my life.  I hope that my doctors and I can come up with something that actually works, cause as of right now the meds I'm on barely touch some of those symptoms.  I know it's going to be a struggle.  I know it's probably going to take a long time before I will find what I need. 

 

The hardest thing for me is the periods of mania.  And I know that probably sounds crazy.  Why would periods of extreme happiness and lost of energy be such a problem?  Well, it's because I tend to make bad decisions, act recklessly, or overdo it (and with my MS that is NEVER a good thing)  I don't sleep nearly enough.  I don't eat nearly enough. I can't carry on a conversation for more than a minute because I'm constantly jumping subjects and it's hard for even me to keep up with, let alone anybody I may be talking to.  It's those periods of mania that tend to get me in the most trouble.  I tend to spend well beyond my means.  I tend to push myself to continue doing things that are bad for me, or that push me too far, even though my body is screaming to stop.  I've lost friends because of the mania.  Because people think I'm CRAZY and they want nothing to do with me because of it.  I'm thankful that I have so many friends that understand it's the DISEASE and not ME that is causing the problems.  But it's still hard on them.  I know it is. 

 

And then almost as soon as the mania dies off, the depression comes in.  I go from GO GO GO, to UGH in a matter of a few days sometimes.  I don't want to do ANYTHING, and my responsibilities fall to the wayside.  I don't feel worth very much.  I cry all the time.  I sleep a lot, and still barely eat enough.  I oftentimes think of suicide, and wish that it wouldn't hurt those around me so badly if I were to go through with it.  Nothing keeps my attention, and I don't enjoy anything at all.  It's beyond frustrating to feel that way, and to logically know that there is no reason to feel that way yet not be able to do anything about it.  I try, so fucking hard, to focus on the good things in my life - my amazing husband, my amazing kids, my amazing friends, the ability that I can still play the violin and piano, and draw, and create things out of clay.  But at the end of the day, none of that matters.  Only the dark that takes over my mind matters.  And I know it's damn near impossible for me to explain what's going on or why it's happening.  I know it confuses those around me.  And I know that a lot of them feel helpless to help because I can't even explain what is really wrong. 

 

I think the hardest thing for me through all of it is my inability to say no to some things and people.  If someone asks me to do something, 9 out of 10 times I do it, even when I don't want to.  And then people wonder why I am exhausted, or depressed, or bring the mood down while I'm doing it.

 

 

I know that's easier said than done, but it's one of the things I'm hardcore working on.  I need to focus on me and my husband and daughters.  I need to focus on the things that I HAVE to do, and not things that you want me to do.  I just hope you can be understanding if I say "No, I can't do that today".  It's nothing against you.  It's me doing what I need to do to survive.  It's me doing what I need to do to keep up with my responsibilities.  So please, understand that "No, not today" doesn't mean that I don't like you or don't want to help.  It means I can't physically, mentally, or emotionally do that today and still function as the adult I need to be. K?  Thanks.

 

I wish more people would understand that.

 

I'm doing the best I can

 

Anyway, time to get back to work.

Hope everyone has an awesome day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

 

It's been eating me alive

This is something I've been fighting with for a few weeks now.  Since I lost a "friend" that I thought would be there for me through everything, and instead he dropped me like a hot potato that he never wanted to touch again.  It was hard as hell for me to accept.  He had been there for me through a TON of crazy things, and he was always there for me to talk to. And then all of the sudden he turned on me.  It was that moment when I saw his true colors, and it broke my heart.

 

But there is something I need to say.  Something that I wish he would listen to, although I know he will never hear them (and honestly, I'm becoming ok with that).  I know my husband will read this and wonder why I'd never talked to him about it, and to him I say I'm sorry. I've been trying to paint on a happy face because the whole thing that happened isn't a bad thing by any means.  But it's been eating me alive. 

 

That "friend" basically told me I'm a toxic person who only cares about myself.  And from his point of view, I guess I can see that.  But at the same time, a lot of the things that happened were HIS FAULT just as much as mine.  It was HIS FAULT that he didn't tell the right person about things that were going on. It's HIS FAULT that he used me for his own gains, and in the process it was HIS FAULT that he lost someone he thought was a really good friend.  It wasn't MY fault that he didn't tell that person what they needed to hear. it wasn't MY fault that he used me for a while.  It wasn't MY fault that he was such a horrible human being for such a long time.  So him blaming me pissed me off.  It pisses me off that he's trying to blame ME for what HE did. It's not my fault.  It's HIS, and I just wish he would see that.  I can almost guarantee that he's talking behind my back to people that I am close to, and I just hope that those people know that what he is saying is all slander and venom and hateful words because of something not working out the way he wishes it would.  I guess I will see though. 

 

Honestly, if I lose more friends over this whole thing then so be it.  I still have amazing friends who are there for me through all the crazy crap that has been going on.  I am truly blessed to have them in my life, and if people I think are friends turn on me because of what he has to say, then they aren't really my true friends anyway.

 

I'm doing my best to suck it up and move on.  I know I am SO MUCH BETTER OFF without him in my life, and I don't really miss him anymore.  I just hate the fact that HE is trying to make ME out to be the only one at fault when he is just as guilty as I am.

 

I am not saying I'm perfect, by any means. I know I've fucked up. I Know I've made mistakes.  I KNOW I have a lot to atone for. And I am doing my best each and every day to do that.  I will be doing it for the rest of my life if that's what it takes.  I just hope that people realize that.

 

Anyway, onward.

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

I started "homeschooling" my daughters last week.  I'm using the K12 program, and it's actually pretty darn awesome.  They have ALL KINDS of stuff for them to do, and all kinds of help for me too.  They have life classes, online classes, offline classes, and all kinds of other things.  It's been awesome.  I'm so glad that I'm doing it this year.  We have yet to get into a real routine, but we are doing our best and that's what matters right?

 

I think I may change things up and see if it works.  Might go to one subject a day (unless it's a small one, like spelling. Then I might do spelling and writing or something like that).  That way we can really good and hardcore focus on that subject until they get it fully.  I don't know though. Just have to see what happens I guess.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

It's hard to believe that my youngest is 7 now, and that my oldest is going to turn 12 Sept 5!  EEK!  Getting a little too close to being a teenager for my liking, haha.  It's all good though.  We are making it work as best as we can.

 

Anyway, I'm gonna get off the comp and go get them started on their next lessons.

 

hope everyone has an awesome day
LATER TATER!

Summer's coming to an end

And we are gearing up for the start of the school year.

 

I'm doing the K-12 program with my two girlies this school year.  For those that don't know what K-12 is, it's basically public school at home.  They provide EVERYTHING that you'd need - Books, science materials, art supplies, etc.  You name it, if it's required for a class, they provide it.  Now, you still have to provide the basic school supplies, but everything else comes with it.  It's AWESOME! 

 

And thanks to my AMAZING Mom and Dad, I don't even have to worry about the basic supplies. Seriously, I couldn't ask for better parents.

 

We now officially have all of the supplies that K-12 sends out, and I've got it all organized into the school room.  We have the table and chairs set up, the whiteboard up on the wall, the chalkboard up on the wall, and all the supplies within easy reach.  :)  I used a shoe organizer to organize the smaller stuff, like the dry erase markers, chalk, clay, etc. And then we have a stand alone wardrobe that we are using to store the books.  It looks AWESOME in there. :)  I'm SO excited.  I swear, I'm more excited than my girlies are!

 

School starts August 18 - We are LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY!!  YAY!  Seriously, I've wanted to homeschool for a while now, and we finally got the push to do it when we moved into a different school district - one that is year round (which I REALLY didn't want to have to do, and they also have school uniforms, which I didn't want the girls to have to put up with either).  Yeah, we are in a MUCH smaller house, but we have it set up so that it will be AWESOME!  AND we can go out and do stuff in the yard as the temps get cooler.  And on top of that, during the winter, when it's too cold outside to do anything and the rest of the house is COLD (no central heat and air) the school room will have the heater in it, so we should stay comfy while we do the work. :)  Yes, I've thought it all out, lol.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

Now on to less exciting news.

 

Our car messed up - AGAIN!  SOO, we are without a car for a few days.  Go figure, lol.  At least there's nothing we really HAVE to do right now to use the car.  It just stinks that it's still messed up.

 

And it happened to me on the way to get my hubby from work.  Scared the heck out of me!  But at least we made it home in one piece, lol.  That's what really matters right?  And we will be fine, I'm sure.  Just one of those things.

 

But that's not a bad thing.  That'll give me the time I need to get the rest of the house cleaned and organized.  AND let me get caught up on laundry!  I got my own washer now!  No dryer, but we have a clothes line outside that I hang things up on.  It's AWESOME to be able to do my own laundry!  I can do a load a day, and not have to do a TON on one day.  So excited!  heh.  How sad is that?

 

Anyway, Hope everyone had an awesome day

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Getting things in order

Thanks to my AMAZING Mom and Dad we have all the school supplies we need! Seriously, they came up Saturday and surprised us.  I woke up to a message on Facebook saying "Surprise. Dad and I are on the way up to see you!".  They came up and took us school shopping. We get the majority of the stuff we need to homeschool from K-12, but we needed a few other things. Folders, notebooks, paper, a table and two chairs, as well as a few other things.  They got me two really awesome notebooks to use for grading and scheduling and stuff like that. And they got me a whiteboard and dry erase markers, as well as chalk for my chalkboard I have set up in there.  I know it's gonna be an awesome year.  It's AWESOME!  Seriously, I couldn't ask for more.  And I know the girls will do so much better having one on one learning time with me, and no more bullies or crappy teachers.  It's gonna be an awesome year.

 

But now I'm working on getting the house back in order.  Gotta get the dining room cleaned and organized so we can start school on the 18th.  I'm excited for it. We should be getting the K-12 supplies sometime this week.  So I'm working on getting the dining room organized so we can store it all without having a bunch of stuff scattered around.  I know it's gonna be awesome.

 

We also got a washing machine!  No dryer, but that's ok. I'm gonna hang a line and get some clothespins so we can do laundry and hang it outside to dry.  :)  That makes me happy, cause we won't have to worry about a billion other things having to go to my in-laws house every Sunday.  I'm sure the girls will still go over and hang out, and Ruben and I will use it as a day to really hang out and spend time together. :) 

 

Sometimes I forget how awesome we really have it. Stress likes to shake me up and keep me on my toes.  Like finances right now are a pain in the butt.  But we really just have to make it through this month and then we should be fine.  It's just a pain trying to get through the month ight now.

 

It's all good though. I know we will figure it out.

 

We are going to be getting rid of a TON of stuff the next little while.  We really have way too much stuff in the house right now.  So we are gonna get rid of enough that everything we have in the house fits right.  We can do it, I know we can. I just know it's gonna be a bit of a pain.  I have a hard time getting rid of things. Always have. So I'm gonna need all the help Hubby can give me to get it done.

 

Anyway, I need to get off the computer and get the dining room dine. 

 

Hope everyone has an awesome day

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Hooray for the weekend

I am SO glad it's Friday!  Seriously, this week wore me out, and I am EXHAUSTED, both physically and mentally.  I mean, it wasn't a BAD week, but it was exhausting nonetheless.

 

Had my Red Rock appointment (where I was officially diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder - yay, ugh!).  Had one day where we woke up WAY late and got hubby to work LATE.  (Thank goodness that he is 1: on salary, and 2: ok if he's late to a point). I've started really focusing on getting the dining room cleaned and organized for school. I started working on throwing stuff away and organizing the living room today too.  Seriously though, this week was CRAZY!

 

We should be getting their K-12 materials in the next week, so I HAVE to have the dining room/ school room set up so we can organize everything so it's easy to find.  It' hard to believe we are 11 days away from school starting. I'm both nervous and excited. Nervous because it's going to be a change in the way things are done, but excited to see the girls really come into their own in regards to school.  Seriously excited to see how the year goes.  HOPEFULLY it goes as well as I think it's going to go.  HOPEFULLY we can keep doing it. I know it's going to be a good thing, even if we only end up doing it for a year (although I have a feeling it will be till they graduate).  It'll be good to be able to take care of things we need to take care of without having to worry too much, ya know?  Doctors appointments, vacation days, sick days, etc.  That will be a lot easier on me if they have a sick day, cause they can still do their school work while sick now!  No more having to miss a ton of school because they are sick.  That's one of the biggest plus points to me.

 

Still got a long way to go before I'm happy with the whole house. We have to get rid of a TON of stuff to really make everything fit comfortably.  I know I'm gonna have to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and just get it done. It's gonna be hard, but with Hubbies help I know we can get it taken care of.

 

Bout to go fix dinner, then Guild Missions in Guild Wars 2, then probably gonna hang out and spend some one on one time with hubby before we crash out.

 

Hope everyone had an awesome day

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

Dear past me......

My life has always been interesting.  There have always been things that were going badly, and also things that were going well.  So this is to my past self....

 

DEAR PAST ME

The things that happened to you are not your fault.  They are a culmination of things in your life.  People, places, things, etc, all ha a part in making you who you are today.

 

You are stronger because of the bad things in your life

 

You are happier because of the good things

 

You have amazing friends and family who are there for you through everything you are going through.   The love you, just the way you are, even when you don't love yourself.

 

And yes, recently you've lost some friends.  But in the grand scheme of things that's not a bad thing. The people you have lost weren't worth having in your life in the first place.  Yes, it is hard. It is EXTREMELY hard.  But you are better off without the fake people in your life.  The ones you have left are huge.  The ones you have left are the people who really matter.  The ones you have left are the ones who still believe in you no matter how crazy life gets.

 

It's ok that it took FOREVER to finally get the diagnosis of Bipolar, and the diagnosis of PTSD.  That is ok.  I know it would have been easier if you'd gotten the diagnosis earlier, but you didn't, and there's no reason to sit and hate yourself for it.  It's ok that you didn't get the diagnosis of MS until you were 30. That's actually average. 

 

Be thankful for those people in your life who really matter. The ones that are there for you when you're being a bitch, or you are super depressed.  The ones that understand that "I'm fine" means so much more than those two words.  The ones that see the beauty in yourself despite the ugly exterior you have painted on to try to push people away.  THEY MATTER THE MOST! They show you how special you are.  They give you a hand up, and a shoulder to cry on.  They sit down beside you (maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally too) when you can't seem to find the strength to stand up.  They are the ones that are there for you when you "jump off that bridge" to save you from yourself.  LOVE THEM!  Show them how much you care because there may come a day when you can't bring yourself to show the words, and they will be able to hear them anyway.

 

<(:)><(:)>(:)>

 

Ok, time to head off to my med appointment.  Hope everyone is having an awesome day.

 

LATER TATER
LYNZ

So much going on, so little time

Summer is almost over, and school starts soon.  Since I'm going to be "homeschooling" the girls through the k-12 program, we have been trying to get the house ready.  It hasn't been easy to find places for everything, but we are slowly getting it done.  I know it will be awesome once we finish it.  Just gotta keep the motivation.

 

I was sick all last week, So I wasn't able to really keep up with the house, and you can certainly tell now.  The house is a DISASTER.  So we are spending today trying to at least get some of it beck in order.  Getting some serious work done around the house, and that makes me happy. :)

 

Tomorrow is my Med appointment out at Red Rock. Shouldn't have to change anything this time around. Everything seems to be working pretty well right now, so that's a good thing.  Just gotta be sure to keep up with my meds, cause if I don't I turn into either an uber bitch, or a super depressed mess.  I'm just thankful that Ruben is as understanding of it all like he is. I'd be completely useless if I didn't have the support of my friend and family. Seriously thankful.

 

I'm excited for the chance to "homeschool" the girls. And I keep putting it in quotations because it's basically public school at home.  It's free, and they provide the vast majority of the school supplies.  Even provide stuff for the art classes, science experiments, and other stuff that we wouldn't be able to do. So I'm excited.  It's going to be an awesome year, I can feel it. :)

 

Just cranking up my music and getting stuff done.  Gonna be a good day tater, lol.

 

Hope everyone else has an awesome day too

 

LATER TATER

LYNZ