This is something I've been fighting with for a few weeks now. Since I lost a "friend" that I thought would be there for me through everything, and instead he dropped me like a hot potato that he never wanted to touch again. It was hard as hell for me to accept. He had been there for me through a TON of crazy things, and he was always there for me to talk to. And then all of the sudden he turned on me. It was that moment when I saw his true colors, and it broke my heart.
But there is something I need to say. Something that I wish he would listen to, although I know he will never hear them (and honestly, I'm becoming ok with that). I know my husband will read this and wonder why I'd never talked to him about it, and to him I say I'm sorry. I've been trying to paint on a happy face because the whole thing that happened isn't a bad thing by any means. But it's been eating me alive.
That "friend" basically told me I'm a toxic person who only cares about myself. And from his point of view, I guess I can see that. But at the same time, a lot of the things that happened were HIS FAULT just as much as mine. It was HIS FAULT that he didn't tell the right person about things that were going on. It's HIS FAULT that he used me for his own gains, and in the process it was HIS FAULT that he lost someone he thought was a really good friend. It wasn't MY fault that he didn't tell that person what they needed to hear. it wasn't MY fault that he used me for a while. It wasn't MY fault that he was such a horrible human being for such a long time. So him blaming me pissed me off. It pisses me off that he's trying to blame ME for what HE did. It's not my fault. It's HIS, and I just wish he would see that. I can almost guarantee that he's talking behind my back to people that I am close to, and I just hope that those people know that what he is saying is all slander and venom and hateful words because of something not working out the way he wishes it would. I guess I will see though.
Honestly, if I lose more friends over this whole thing then so be it. I still have amazing friends who are there for me through all the crazy crap that has been going on. I am truly blessed to have them in my life, and if people I think are friends turn on me because of what he has to say, then they aren't really my true friends anyway.
I'm doing my best to suck it up and move on. I know I am SO MUCH BETTER OFF without him in my life, and I don't really miss him anymore. I just hate the fact that HE is trying to make ME out to be the only one at fault when he is just as guilty as I am.
I am not saying I'm perfect, by any means. I know I've fucked up. I Know I've made mistakes. I KNOW I have a lot to atone for. And I am doing my best each and every day to do that. I will be doing it for the rest of my life if that's what it takes. I just hope that people realize that.
Anyway, onward.
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I started "homeschooling" my daughters last week. I'm using the K12 program, and it's actually pretty darn awesome. They have ALL KINDS of stuff for them to do, and all kinds of help for me too. They have life classes, online classes, offline classes, and all kinds of other things. It's been awesome. I'm so glad that I'm doing it this year. We have yet to get into a real routine, but we are doing our best and that's what matters right?
I think I may change things up and see if it works. Might go to one subject a day (unless it's a small one, like spelling. Then I might do spelling and writing or something like that). That way we can really good and hardcore focus on that subject until they get it fully. I don't know though. Just have to see what happens I guess.
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It's hard to believe that my youngest is 7 now, and that my oldest is going to turn 12 Sept 5! EEK! Getting a little too close to being a teenager for my liking, haha. It's all good though. We are making it work as best as we can.
Anyway, I'm gonna get off the comp and go get them started on their next lessons.
hope everyone has an awesome day
LATER TATER!
LATER TATER!
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