Time to get real

I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

 

That means I experience the ups and downs a lot more often than those with either bipolar I or bipolar II.  I deal with moodswings every single day, usually multiple times a day.  Along with that, I have extended periods of depression (usually lasting anywhere from one full week, to as long as a month), and extended periods of mania (lasting anywhere from 3-4 days, to as long as two weeks).  It can be EXHAUSTING dealing with it myself, so I can only imagine how difficult it is for those around me.  I try my best to take my meds as prescribed, and to be aware of the moodswings as they happen, but sometimes it's really hard to understand.  I can be fine one moment, happy even, and the very next moment something will set me off and I'm so pissed off that I can't see anything but red, and then then very next moment I'm bawling on the couch crying on my husbands shoulder.  And most of the time, I don't have any clue what set me off or why it's happening.

 

That's the REAL truth of my life.  I hope that my doctors and I can come up with something that actually works, cause as of right now the meds I'm on barely touch some of those symptoms.  I know it's going to be a struggle.  I know it's probably going to take a long time before I will find what I need. 

 

The hardest thing for me is the periods of mania.  And I know that probably sounds crazy.  Why would periods of extreme happiness and lost of energy be such a problem?  Well, it's because I tend to make bad decisions, act recklessly, or overdo it (and with my MS that is NEVER a good thing)  I don't sleep nearly enough.  I don't eat nearly enough. I can't carry on a conversation for more than a minute because I'm constantly jumping subjects and it's hard for even me to keep up with, let alone anybody I may be talking to.  It's those periods of mania that tend to get me in the most trouble.  I tend to spend well beyond my means.  I tend to push myself to continue doing things that are bad for me, or that push me too far, even though my body is screaming to stop.  I've lost friends because of the mania.  Because people think I'm CRAZY and they want nothing to do with me because of it.  I'm thankful that I have so many friends that understand it's the DISEASE and not ME that is causing the problems.  But it's still hard on them.  I know it is. 

 

And then almost as soon as the mania dies off, the depression comes in.  I go from GO GO GO, to UGH in a matter of a few days sometimes.  I don't want to do ANYTHING, and my responsibilities fall to the wayside.  I don't feel worth very much.  I cry all the time.  I sleep a lot, and still barely eat enough.  I oftentimes think of suicide, and wish that it wouldn't hurt those around me so badly if I were to go through with it.  Nothing keeps my attention, and I don't enjoy anything at all.  It's beyond frustrating to feel that way, and to logically know that there is no reason to feel that way yet not be able to do anything about it.  I try, so fucking hard, to focus on the good things in my life - my amazing husband, my amazing kids, my amazing friends, the ability that I can still play the violin and piano, and draw, and create things out of clay.  But at the end of the day, none of that matters.  Only the dark that takes over my mind matters.  And I know it's damn near impossible for me to explain what's going on or why it's happening.  I know it confuses those around me.  And I know that a lot of them feel helpless to help because I can't even explain what is really wrong. 

 

I think the hardest thing for me through all of it is my inability to say no to some things and people.  If someone asks me to do something, 9 out of 10 times I do it, even when I don't want to.  And then people wonder why I am exhausted, or depressed, or bring the mood down while I'm doing it.

 

 

I know that's easier said than done, but it's one of the things I'm hardcore working on.  I need to focus on me and my husband and daughters.  I need to focus on the things that I HAVE to do, and not things that you want me to do.  I just hope you can be understanding if I say "No, I can't do that today".  It's nothing against you.  It's me doing what I need to do to survive.  It's me doing what I need to do to keep up with my responsibilities.  So please, understand that "No, not today" doesn't mean that I don't like you or don't want to help.  It means I can't physically, mentally, or emotionally do that today and still function as the adult I need to be. K?  Thanks.

 

I wish more people would understand that.

 

I'm doing the best I can

 

Anyway, time to get back to work.

Hope everyone has an awesome day

LATER TATER
LYNZ