I'm just warning you now, this post may not make a whole lot of sense. I've been fighting a manic episode since yesterday, and my mind is going about a billion miles an hour. So I'm just going to post what I'm thinking about, and see where it leads. So if it doesn't make any sense, I apologize now.
First: I've been thinking a lot about the way people see me. About the face I put out for the world to see. I try every day to put on a smile and a strong face. I want the world to believe that I'm stronger than I truly believe I am. Hell, I've always been that way. Even as a Kid if something scared me, or made me uncomfortable, or something like that, I'd hide it. I wouldn't let anybody know. That's probably a big part of my problem, if I'm honest. I've never been good at coming out and telling people what's really going on. I was accused of being a pathological liar yesterday - and while I don't think I am, It is highly possible. That's one of the things about it - Sometimes the person doing it doesn't realized they are. And I think, if it's true, I don't realize it because I think what I'm saying is true. IDk. That makes me sound kinda crazy I guess. But it's something I've been thinking about since yesterday. Something I need to figure out how to fix. I don't even know where to start though. If any of you know, please leave a comment and let me know. I want to fix it. I hate that I'm doing this and hurting people in my life. It breaks my heart to hurt someone that I thought I was close to, that I thought I could trust, and that I thought cared about me. Please, help me figure this out!
Second: I'm overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed by the boxes I need to unpack. Overwhelmed by expenses that keep creeping up on us. Overwhelmed by everything that's going on - the PTSD, BP, MS, Upsetting friends, having family (in-laws) get mad at me for something I didn't even realize I was doing. Just, Overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start, and so I never get anything else really done at all. I've asked for help, but I rarely get it. There's always something more important going on it seems, so I'm just left to the back burner. I don't know how much more I can fight this though. At least not alone. Yeah, I know I have friends and family, and prayer warriors, who care enough to think about me. But I'm just not really getting the help that I need. And it's frustrating because I can't seem to find the right words to make them understand. It's exhausting. IDK. I'll figure it out, I'm sure. Just might take me a LONG time.
And I'm overwhelmed by the amount of appointments going on right now. Between mine and my daughters, we are CONSTANTLY doing something. I'm glad that she's getting the help that she needs, and I know I need the help I'm getting. But still. Shesh, it's constant. My daughter has two appointment with Red Rock the 30th, Then I have an appointment the 13th and I'm probably going to see if I can get her appointment for that day too so we don't have to drive up there an extra day. I think that would work out better. Guess we will see if it works out. And we are a month away from the end of the school year, so then I'll have to find a babysitter for my youngest while we go up there. UGH! So exhausting. I know it's important. I know it has to be done. But sometimes I just wish it didn't. I wish I were normal. That I didn't need the help. But alas, it's not to be.
This weekend we are supposed to start rolling up characters for a roleplaying game that we're wanting to start playing twice a month. I hope it all works out, cause It will be nice to see friends more often. Right now I don't get to see them very often at all, and it sucks. I'm a bit of a social bug, with close friends at least. So it sucks to be away from them so often. So HOPEFULLY it works out.
Right now, I'm gonna go find something to do to distract me.
LATER TATER
LYNZ
No comments:
Post a Comment