and boy is it manic!
Life, it seems, has decided to throw a billion things at me at once again. It's super frustrating, to say the least. I have so much going on I don't even know where to start.
But you know, it could always be worse. I'm on the road to getting some help, and that's what really matters. Sorry for the vague there, but I don't really want to talk about it just yet. Don't worry, I will be fine. Just gotta get it done. And I know I will be better once it's done.
I'm tired of pushing people away. My BP sends my moods and mind down some pretty insane roads, and I keep pushing people away because of it. I have a fear that I may have lost someone I thought was a really good friend because of some of the shit I've been doing/ saying lately. And that breaks my heart. I know I can be better than this. I KNOW I can. So please, if you pray, pray for me. If you don't, do whatever else it is that you do: Send healing energy, happy thoughts, well wishes, good vibes, chant, etc. PLEASE! I need all the help I can get right now.
Right now, I just feel broken. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Just broken. And I know that it's going to sound stupid to some of you, but sometimes I just don't feel like I'm going to get any better. I feel like a horrible person sometimes. Stupid PTSD, BP, and MS. UGH!
Right now, I am fighting with all I have to be a better person. Fighting things I swore to myself I'd never fight again. Dealing with things I wish I could just snap my fingers and make go away. I am not ok yet. Not even close. I KNOW I am not ok yet. BUT, I am fighting as hard as I know how. Sometimes, the hardest days, the bad days, are the days we are fighting the hardest, right?
I'm trying to help my husband find a new job, trying to unpack the house, trying to make sure the girls are doing good in school, taking baths on a regular basis, remembering to put deodorant on in the morning, brush their teeth, brush their hair (you know, all the stuff we do on a daily basis that they are still forming the habit for). And still dealing with my MS throwing a fit cause the weather is changing like crazy, and my BP moodswings going insane, and the PTSD setting my anxiety on edge over the smallest little things. It is exhausting, to say the least. But you know what, I CAN DO THIS! (ok, might need some help, but it will get done).
I won't lie. I've had periods in my life where I thought I'd be better off dead. Where I thought the rest of the world would be better off because I wasn't here anymore. I've fought with depression for a LONG time now, and sometimes I swear I think it's going to win. But thanks to amazing people in my life (one of which I'm afraid I may have pushed away. *cries*) I am still here, and I'm finding things to be happy for, to live for. And I am SO THANKFUL that I still am. Those people who mean the most to me (my husband, my daughters, my best friends, and my family) aren't going to have to deal with the pain of losing someone they love. I will be ok. I just have to keep fighting the depression. Cause it keeps poking it's head in and reminding me that it's there. UGH!
Trying to remember that. I have had a LOT happen to me in my life. Like, A LOOOTTT. lol. And for the longest time I just let it win. I let it beat me down and pin me there. I let it make me feel useless, worthless, broken, and beaten. But now, I see it as a challenge. And the challenge is to see the beauty in everything, instead of just being trapped by the bad. And life is SO beautiful!
I start a new journey today. A journey that I need to be on, but that terrifies me something fierce. So please, help me out here. I just want your thoughts, your prayers, your happy thoughts. Your courage, and your strength. I can do this. I know I can. But I need help.
Thank you all so very very much.
Now, Gonna put a little plug in here
With everything that's been going on lately, I need a little pick me up. I've got my eye on a couple adult coloring books, and an MS awareness T-shirt. But I am beyond broke. SOO, I've started a gofundme account. I'm not asking for much. Hell, even $1 goes a long way. So if you can, please donate. If you can't, please share and help me get the word out there.
THANK YOU
Lots of love and hugs and kisses
LYNZ
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