For someone who doesn't have bipolar, I know it is confusing to deal with someone who DOES have it. So I've decided to write what bipolar is like for me.
MANIA
When I'm manic, I feel like a million bucks. I have so much energy, don't eat or sleep much, and just go go go. I feel like I could do anything, and I usually try to do everything. I start art projects, write poetry, fill up journal after journal with so many random thoughts, and just never really stop or slow down. I talk a billion miles an hour, usually jumping subjects every other sentence. I am happy, and energetic, and ready to do anything. I feel happy in making other people happy and making them laugh, and most of my day is spent trying to make people laugh.
I watch a billion different kinds of youtube videos about different things to do. I have pinterest boards that are made when I'm manic of ideas I have about things I want to do - and I tell myself that I WILL do them. I will do them ALL.
I love mania. I think it's the best feeling in the world, and I would give anything to feel that way all the time, even though it's really not that good for me. I eat like a bird when I'm manic. I rarely sleep more than an hour or two a night. I go so fast and do so much that I push my body to it's limit, and beyond. But I don't care. I just want to GO GO GO, and nothing in the world can convince me that it's not a good idea to do so.
DEPRESSION
And then the crash happens
I want to do nothing but sleep all day. I rarely eat because I just don't feel like it. Everything in the world is out to get me. And my mood won't come up even on a bright sunshiny day. I hide in my house, don't answer the phone, don't really talk to anybody online, and don't really do much of anything. There are days where I lay down, and while I may WANT to sleep, I lay there and stare at the wall and think about all the things that are horribly wrong.
I think about things in the past that went wrong, and I am SURE they are going to happen again. I think about all the people I've hurt in the past, and I KNOW that I'm going to hurt the people in my life now the same way. I listen to sad music. I draw, but it's all depressing and dark. I write, but it's not anything you'd ever want to actually read because it's all depressed and dark.
I don't do anything useful. I spend the vast majority of the time hiding from everyone because I am SURE that everyone in the world hates me and wants nothing to do with me.
I fight with suicidal thoughts when I'm in this state. I think I'm worthless. I think I'm useless. I think I'm broken, and a burden. And I feel like the world would be better off without me in it. I hate myself, and I just KNOW that everyone else hates me too and wants nothing to do with me.
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Thankfully, I have friends that semi-understand these states. When I'm manic, I have friends that try to slow me down and make me see that I need rest and food. When I'm depressed and feel like nobody wants anything to do with me, they come over and show me that I'm wrong - that they do care, and they do want me around. I am truly blessed by the people in my life.
In between the two (Depression to mania) I almost feel "normal" if you want to say that. I still fight with SERIOUSLY annoying mood swings. I fight with SERIOUS anger issues - where some days if you look at me wrong it will piss me off. I fight with random panic attacks because I feel like I can't do it anymore. I fight back tears. I do my best to try to power through, but sometimes all I want to do is hide from it all because even I can't keep up with the way the moods are swinging.
I'm just thankful that I've started getting help from Red Rock. They have me on a bipolar med that seems to be stabilizing my mood swings. They have me on an antidepressant that is making the depression seem like just a regular bad day instead of the end of the world. And they have me on an anti-anxiety med that keeps the panic attacks at bay. If not for them, I wouldn't be here anymore - I'm sure of it.
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And that is my life with bipolar.
Hope it sheds some light on what bipolar is like for other people as well.
Hope everyone had an awesome day
SMILE, someone needs to see it
LATER TATER
LYNZ
LYNZ
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