This is something that I'm sure everyone with some kind of illness - be it chronic physical illness, or mental illness - have felt at some point or another.
Today has been a bad Bipolar day. It's been a day where I've gone through every emotion in the book, multiple times. I've been happy, angry, frustrated, depressed, silly, and sad. I've dealt with it all today. These days don't happen as often as they used to, thanks to my medication, but when they do the are overwhelming. It's hard to find the words I need to say to explain it to people who have never dealt with it in their whole lives. It is extremely difficult to explain that you are angry at NOTHING, that EVERYTHING Is setting you off and making you cry. That you just want to punch the wall, or curl up in a ball and cry for hours on end. That you just need someone to give you a hug and tell you that they are there for you and that it's ok to feel the way you feel.
I've never liked not having control of my emotions. I've dealt with it for the vast majority of my life. I spent so many years just hiding it from everyone because I felt broken. I felt like if I told anybody I would be looked down on and judged. I hid in alcohol, drugs, and cutting. And while I've overcome the vast majority of my addictions, there are still days (Like today) where I just want to go back to it to feel something other than overwhelmed. I know better. Believe me. But at the same time the urge is still there. I fight it hard. I have reasons to now. I have a beautiful family - with two amazing little girls and a loving husband. I have amazing friends who deserve a clean and sober me. And I finally feel worth it.
The best way to explain how it feels on a day like today is like I'm constantly walking on egg shells, and doing my best not to shatter what little sanity I cling so desperately to. I feel like no matter what I do or say it's never going to be enough. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster going at top speed and have no way to get off, ever. It is overwhelming, and exhausting, and frustrating. It's something that I live with, and I'm finally starting to realize that it's OK to feel this way. That it's nothing I can control. That it's something I have to learn to actually live life with.
I start talk therapy soon. I'm already on a TON of medication (not just for that, but for the MS and PTSD too). I journal. I draw. I paint. I try to find something to let it all out. I think the talk therapy will be a good thing, and hopefully it will help me find different things to do when things are going so crazy. I'm both excited at the opportunity, and scared to death. I'm not sure what's going to happen, or how long I'm going to have to keep going. And I hate uncertainty. But at the same time, I hate feeling this way SO MUCH MORE.
One thing that I have found that helps is realizing that I am not alone. That there are other people, both in my life and out in the world, that deal with the same things that I deal with.
Like this girl
And even celebrities
It helps to realize that I'm not alone. That there are people out there that deal with it too, and some have to fight for YEARS before they find a treatment that actually helps. And some even have to go inpatient. I'm blessed to have my friend Heather, who has dealt with it for a long time too, to talk to about it. It makes a HUGE difference being able to talk to someone who actually personally understands what I'm talking about. And that is such a blessing.
There are still going to be days where I just want to feel "normal" again. But soon I hope to find my NEW Normal, and be happy with that.
Anyway, Just needed to write that.
LATER TATER
LYNZ
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